Relinquishing the Pen

I tear the love story I’ve written into shreds and throw them into the fire. Burying my face in my arms, I lie crumpled on the floor, unable to believe I could have let myself get carried away like that. I have hurt not only myself, but also the others involved in the story I have penned for myself.

The Lover of my soul appears, seemingly out of nowhere, and sits beside me while I cry. His arms wrap tightly around me, and His heart lavishes compassion on me. He doesn’t say a word; His presence is enough to soon calm my tears.

I look up at Him. “What did I do wrong?”

His eyes are filled with sadness. His heart is breaking for me; I can tell. I want to go back and erase it all. I want a fresh start. “Beloved, you did not ask of Me.”

I collapse into tears again, ashamed that I have walked away from my truest Friend. He stays beside me, comforting me. He assures me He will not leave me. And then He says the one thing I have been dying to hear.

“I can make it all go away. I can give you a new beginning.”

I look up with hope and dash away the tears. “Do You mean it?”

“I do. All you have to do is give Me that pen, and I’ll start it all over for you.”

I look down at the pen upon which His eyes are resting. I grimace. “Lord, this isn’t just the pen I’ve used to write my love story… It’s what I’ve been using to write my life story.”

“If you would have Me write a beautiful love story, I must have your entire life. But the choice is up to you.”

I gaze into His eyes, so full of love. I know that if I give up the pen, He will write a story beyond what I can even comprehend. But even so, I enjoy the security of my pen. I enjoy having the option of saying “no” to something He suggests. If nothing else, it is entertaining to try out certain plot devices, even if they had never worked out before and likely wouldn’t in the future.

“How about we collaborate?” I suggest hopefully. “I’ll leave the pen on that desk there, and when You want to write something You can, and when I want to write something, I can.”

“The choice is up to you,” He repeats.

I smile, glad that we’ve come to an agreement.

Time passes. I find myself in the middle of another love story. Since I’ve asked my heavenly Lover to collaborate, I’m sure that this time, it will all work out all right.

But it’s not too long before I find myself ripping it to shreds and tossing it in the fire yet again.

“Why didn’t you intervene?” I rage at Him. “I told You we would collaborate. Why didn’t You make it all work out in the end?”

“You began with ideas that were all your own – not Mine. If you had realized this earlier and asked Me to step in, I would have – but you never left the pen. You asked Me to collaborate, but you never even stepped aside and asked My opinion.”

I stare down at the pen. He is right. I had never once abandoned my post as author. Even if I had, all of His time would have been spent cleaning up the mess I had made. There would be no time for new adventures. If we switched off writing, it would be an endless rollercoaster, where I would write myself into a corner, He would write me out of it, and then it would all begin again. There was nothing beautiful about that.

“What do I have to do, then?” I ask.

“You have to give it up. Completely.”

I look down at the pen that has been my best friend and my worst enemy. Can I really leave it all behind? Can I forsake what I want to write into my life? Can I leave it entirely up to Him?

I look at Him. He looks back. He is longing for me to hand the pen over. He has a story in mind. I can see it written all over His face. He wants to write it, to make it all turn out beautifully, to bring it to a glorious ending that’s even better than the fairy tales.

I look at the pen again. I think of the heartache that it has cost me. I think of all the people I’ve hurt by my unskilled writing.

I walk up to my Lover, fall to the ground before Him, and there leave the pen. Never to pick it up again.

Ducks and Direction

I am a list person. I adore them. I make lots of them. I cleaned out my closet yesterday and found notebooks filled with lists galore. From "Pretty Flowers" to "Career Ideas" to "The Husband List," I could make a list about just about anything. I like having everything laid out, everything on the table, all the ducks in a row.

I like life to look a lot like this:



AREN'T THEY CUTE?? They're so tiny and fuzzy and perfectly in a row, waiting for their turn to climb up over the ginormous mountain in front of them. That's what I like life to be like. One by one, my little "ducks" -- events, people, decisions, whatever -- all overcome the obstacle in front of them. Perfectly in a row. Not going, "HEY what's that over there?" and running out of line to dance in the middle of the street. No. My ducks stay in a row, by golly, and if they don't, then I'm not a happy camper.

However, most of the time, my ducks look a lot more like this:



And I'm like, "HEY! What are you doing? Aren't you all supposed to be in a row? You know, being cute and fluffy? I mean, not that you're not cute and fluffy still, but I want you in a ROW!! And YOOOOOOU! BIG DUCK!! What is the meaning of this? Aren't you supposed to keep them all perfectly ordered for me??"

Jesus has been teaching me a lot about not needing all my ducks to be in a row.

"But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience..."

There's nothing wrong with having a plan. There's nothing wrong with knowing exactly what we're going to do, when we're going to do it, and what's going to come of it. After all, many, many times in the Bible, God not only told His people what to say, but He told them what would be said in response to their message!

But we are supposed to be like Christ; and Christ was unruffled when His evening's plans were interrupted. When Jesus' dear friend John the Baptist died, Jesus "withdrew by boat privately to a solitary place." I can only imagine He wanted some time to process His grief. He wanted to be by Himself, in order to talk with His Father and mourn for His beloved friend.

But being Jesus, He wasn't left alone long. People followed Him. I can imagine what my response would have been: "Are you people stupid? Can't you see I'm mourning here? This duck is no longer in line, and I need a little time to get it back where it's supposed to be, okay? I'll deal with you when I'm ready, just please, go away!!"

That's not what Jesus did. Jesus "had compassion on them and healed their sick." He didn't latch onto the nearest excuse to send them away to get their own food; He fed them (all five thousand -- and that was just the men). He loved them. He let the "duck" of His grief get out of the row, trusting that His Father would gently urge it back into line when the time was right.

Things don't always go the way we want them to. But it's in those moments that miracles occur.

Flexibility. A willingness to "go with the flow." That's what God has been impressing on my heart. He doesn't want life to be a list with everything laid out, everything familiar, nothing mysterious. "What need have we of a guide were the path a familiar one?" asked Elisabeth Elliot. Moments of uncertainty are when we look into our Guide's face and ask, "Where next, Daddy?" It is those moments when we experience intimacy and direction like never before.

My ducks aren't always in a row. But that's okay. They're still ducks. They're still cute and fluffy. They'll still get where they need to go.

It'll just be more of an adventure along the way.

Better Than Hollywood

I recently read a comment from a young man who stated that women need to turn off the chick flicks, put down the romance novels, and become realistic about their expectations of men. A song on my iPod declares that the moment when the singer meets the love of his life will "play out like a scene straight off the silver screen."

It does seem that many of us have unrealistic expectations about love fueled by Hollywood and the publishing world. We cannot expect a silver-screen love story when we don't have writers from the silver screen whispering into our ear at every turn what exactly we're supposed to do and say.

However, we have a much greater Author who is dying to script our life and love stories. He teaches us that the version of romance and love in movies is so shallow compared to what He has to offer. The man (or woman) He wants to build for us is nothing like the shallow, self-centered protagonists who also happen to have incredible good looks, impeccable timing, and impossibly clever conversational skills.

Heaven's standards are higher than Hollywood's. So while I may be lowering my standards in regard to "Has oodles and oodles of money" and "Has perfect muscles without spending any time at the gym," God demands that we raise our standards in the things that He really cares about. After all, marriage is supposed to be an earthly reflection of the divine romance between Christ and His church. He is not going to settle for anything less than a perfect romance!

So what has God been teaching me about the kind of husband He wants to build for me? The following was written after an afternoon with my heavenly Bridegroom:

He will be tall. He will be strong. He will be able to carry any burden. He will daily go forth into battle. He will daily spend his life, living under the knowledge that he could be asked to give up his body and breath at any time. He will love with an inhuman love. He will spread out his arms and stretch out his neck to fight for those who cannot fight for themselves. He will refuse defeat. He will refuse mediocrity.

When I say tall, I mean possessing significant spiritual stature. When I say strong, I mean the muscles of his prayer life will be well-developed from constant use. When I say he will be able to carry any burden, I mean that his life is not his own – he is living the life of Jesus Christ, who thereby carries his burdens for him.

He will be a man completely devoted to doing the will of his Father in heaven. He will be a warrior for the Kingdom of Christ. He will be a true man, heedless of the world’s applause and lost in love for his God. He will be filled with joy in the King’s presence. He will be excited about the Gospel.

He will be faithful. He will be kind. He will be filled with the Holy Spirit’s discretion. He will confront trouble head-on, unafraid to run into the fray and risk life and limb for the glory of the Great Commander. He will be horrified by the injustices of the world, but confident in the power of the One who has declared, “It is finished.” He will not cease pleading and fighting until the will of heaven is done on earth.

It may seem like a tall order to fill. Perhaps you think there is no such man. But I believe that God has created me for nothing less than this passionate follower of Christ; and if there is no one on earth who matches this description, my heavenly Prince is far more than able to satisfy all the longings of my feminine heart.

You, too, are worth more than a Hollywood bad boy or nigh-masculine businesswoman. Do not lower your standards; rather, allow them to be reshaped, refine, and raised to the standard of Christ.

I shall not settle. I shall wait on the Lord, pursuing Him and becoming the kind of woman that the kind of man described is looking for. I have complete confidence in my God that He can bring this man into my life, in His perfect timing. If He does not, I shall rest secure, for "as a bridegroom rejoices over his bride, so will your God rejoice over you."

The Living Christ

"He is risen!"

"He is risen, indeed!"

Why, you might ask, is this very Easter-ish dialogue being posted in July? I will tell you why.

Because Jesus is still alive.

"Christ Jesus, who died -- more than that, who was raised to life -- is at the right hand of God and is also interceding for us." ~Romans 8:34

He's not only alive, He's alive with a job: To intercede for us. To stand in the gap between us and the Father. To be able to do that, He has to know what's going on in our lives. He has to know the thoughts we think and the prayers we pray. He's alive, and is not distant, He is here.

Too often, I think we believe in the God who rose from the dead -- not the God who has risen. We believe Christ conquered death and can save us from hell, but do we believe any more than that? Do we believe that He is right here in this room, waiting to speak to us? Do we believe that He can still heal the sick and raise the dead? Or does our faith cease at salvation and fail to believe Him for the full power of God in shaping and living the Christ-life? He is capable of so much more, and how He longs for us to open up our hearts and our minds so that He can show us!

How many of us go through life never experiencing the full power of the risen Christ? Sometimes I think we are so focused on worshiping the Jesus who died for us that we forget the Jesus who lives for us. His death, while so powerful, so important, so poignant, was only made victorious through His resurrection.

And not only did He return to life -- He remains in life. We do not serve a dead God! We serve a God whose power keeps the earth in motion. We serve a God who is present in our everyday lives -- and is literally right beside us at every moment. His heart beats, His eyes see, His smile lights up the faces of His children. He is alive.

Oh Lord, may we come to live in the light of that glorious reality.