I did some things in 2011 I'm not proud of.
Guilt and I became good friends in 2011. He kept me company at night, whispering to me about who I was. He told me I was beyond repair. He told me I had become completely worthless. He told me no one would ever want me because of my mess-ups. He told me I was merely a victim: I was helpless against my past, and all I could do was curl up in a ball at night, feeling physically sick, feeling empty, feeling guilty. He told me my only option was to be a slave to him and Shame. And worst of all, he told me, God's sick of giving you another chance...so don't even try that again.
Fortunately, before 2011 rolled to a close, Guilt lost. Grace won.
Because here's the truth of the matter.
"He forgives all my sins and heals all my diseases." -Psalm 103:3
"Cleanse me with hyssop, and I will be clean; wash me, and I will be whiter than snow." -Psalm 51:7
"He was pierced for our transgressions, He was crushed for our iniquities; the punishment that brought us peace was upon Him, and by His wounds we are healed. We all, like sheep, have gone astray, each of us has turned to his own way; and the Lord has laid on Him the iniquity of us all." -Isaiah 53:5-6
"For He has rescued us from the dominion of darkness and brought us into the kingdom of the Son He loves, in whom we have redemption, the forgiveness of sins." -Colossians 1:13-14
"For it is by grace you have been saved..." -Ephesians 2:8a
Guilt lied.
Everything I did in 2011...Jesus signed His Name to. And destroyed.
So here's the miracle, beyond even forgiveness of sins: He didn't stop there.
What I broke, He remade.
What I gave away, He gave back, whole and complete.
When I felt worthless, He reminded me of the fact I spoke of in my last post: Jesus died my soul to save. God gave up His life for me, and I discount my worth??
When Guilt tried to barge back in and tell me I would be unwanted, Jesus fought him for me, declaring that He Himself will be my worth. Creator God is my Worth?? Oh yes...without Him, I would be nothing, and I am very happy about that fact. Because now I will be wanted by those who want Him.
When I thought I had to be a slave, He told me, Where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom. There is victory. I am not powerless! I have the power of the Cross to call upon, the power of His love for me -- I can ask Him to come fight for me.
He tells me I am pure. He tells me I am new. He tells me I am complete.
And He makes it so.
Yes, 2011 was a year of messing up. But I will not remember it as such. I will remember it as a year of the most extravagant grace imaginable. I will remember it as a year of experiencing the Cross afresh. I will remember Him...
Guilt is gone -- banished by the life-giving words of my Beloved. Shame cowers in the corner when I remind him that he has no authority in my life, and I have no obligation to listen to him, because I have a new Master whose Name is Love.
And Regret? Because of mercy, because of grace, because of Jesus...my greatest regret of 2011 is cutting my hair before Prom.
Wednesday, December 28, 2011
Thursday, December 22, 2011
The Gospel
This morning I woke up. As usual.
No. Not as usual. There was something different about this morning. Something was pressing heavily on my heart, trying to make its way in. I tried to shake it off. It was the oddest feeling. I was missing something...something important.
I felt distant, disconnected. Alone. I could barely breathe.
I stumbled down the ladder from my bed and got on the floor, rubbing the sleep out of my eyes. I was just tired. That had to be it.
Then, through a series of events, videos, songs, thoughts, verses...the Gospel finally pressed itself in, in full force, with all the breathtaking power that is contained within.
I wrote a very long post about the Gospel. And then I deleted it. Not because it shouldn't be told, again and again and again...but because the only line Jesus had pounding through my mind was the following:
Jesus died my soul to save.
Can I repeat it?
Jesus died my soul to save.
God died.
To save me.
To save you.
Death could not keep Him down. And it cannot keep me down, for I have been given the power of the Gospel through Christ Jesus. He has won...and He is allowing me to partake in the victory. He wants to pour a little of it through my life every day.
This morning I was taken to the Cross as though for the first time.
That is my prayer for you.
Abundant joy. Abundant peace. Abundant life. Abundant freedom.
They are all found at the dust at the foot of the Cross.
Jesus died my soul to save.
And yet He lives.
No. Not as usual. There was something different about this morning. Something was pressing heavily on my heart, trying to make its way in. I tried to shake it off. It was the oddest feeling. I was missing something...something important.
I felt distant, disconnected. Alone. I could barely breathe.
I stumbled down the ladder from my bed and got on the floor, rubbing the sleep out of my eyes. I was just tired. That had to be it.
Then, through a series of events, videos, songs, thoughts, verses...the Gospel finally pressed itself in, in full force, with all the breathtaking power that is contained within.
I wrote a very long post about the Gospel. And then I deleted it. Not because it shouldn't be told, again and again and again...but because the only line Jesus had pounding through my mind was the following:
Jesus died my soul to save.
Can I repeat it?
Jesus died my soul to save.
God died.
To save me.
To save you.
Death could not keep Him down. And it cannot keep me down, for I have been given the power of the Gospel through Christ Jesus. He has won...and He is allowing me to partake in the victory. He wants to pour a little of it through my life every day.
This morning I was taken to the Cross as though for the first time.
That is my prayer for you.
Abundant joy. Abundant peace. Abundant life. Abundant freedom.
They are all found at the dust at the foot of the Cross.
Jesus died my soul to save.
And yet He lives.
Friday, December 16, 2011
What If?
"That's just the way guys are."
I used to laugh sadly and nod my head in agreement whenever a fellow female would say this...
...until I heard a guy echo it. "That's just the way guys are," he said, and I felt my heart catch in my throat. Do you really believe that? my heart was screaming in protest. Have you really given in? Have you really become no more than what we've said you are? Have you really given up on ever being any better?
I no longer laugh at that statement, no matter who says it.
"Guys are only good for carrying things," we joke. "They'll never grow up," young women assert as they toss their hair and revel in their superiority. "Pigs, all of them," we say with a turned-up nose. And you know what they say: "They're only after one thing..."
And even as we mock them, something inside us dies: The dream of ever finding a man who will protect us, cherish us, and just love us.
"That's just the way they are," we sigh, and determine to move on and find a guy who's at least not as immature and piggish. We can never hope for any more.
And apparently, guys have started to agree. We have put them down, time and time again, and now they are convinced they can never rise above "the way they are." They have resigned themselves to defeat without ever putting up a fight -- because all the girls around them are telling them that they can never win.
Please, let me tell you something.
They can win.
Gentlemen: You can win.
"His divine power has given us everything we need for life and godliness..." (2 Peter 1:3).
Does an attitude of combined strength and tenderness come easily to a man? Is he born with complete control over his thought life? Is warrior-poet manhood something that comes naturally to anyone?
Probably not.
"Oh Kendall," you say, "you're telling guys to deny their nature and be something they're not!"
Absolutely.
"If anyone would come after Me, he must deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow Me" (Luke 9:23).
There may be a "way guys are"...before the Christ-life invades. Before Jesus completely rebuilds a man in His image. And guess what, ladies...we're just as bad.
No one, man or woman, was meant to stay the same after encountering Christ.
Does this mean a guy will suddenly become Prince Charming after meeting Jesus? Of course not. But he need no longer be a slave to who he was before.
However, we've painted a picture. We tell young men that they're in chains: the chains of modern manhood. They can't escape it. It's their nature. We graphically describe these chains, cutting men down and entrapping them in chains that no longer exist. They're not there! Jesus destroyed those chains! But even those who want to be different think it impossible.
And instead of coming alongside them and telling them that they have the power of the Living God to be a new creation and a Christ-built man, young women perpetuate the cycle. Instead of declaring freedom, we still see them as being bound by their nonexistent chains. Instead of encouraging them to get up, to walk away from a former way of life and become all that God intended, we tell them to just be the best chain-wearin' man there ever was.
I look back and think to myself, What on earth have I been doing?
What if we stopped cutting them down?
What if we stopped putting them in the world's box when they don't have to be of this world?
Sisters...what if we realized that guys don't need our criticism; they need our grace?
What if instead of talking about the way guys are, we talked about the way they could be? What if we put aside our own selfish desires for acceptance and went out of our way to protect the hearts and minds of the guys around us? What if, every time somebody made a demeaning comment about manhood, we responded with, "I don't believe it has to be like that"?
What if instead of flirting, we encouraged?
What if, instead of showing guys their chains, we showed them their Savior?
What if, instead of complaining about their one-track mind, our conversation was such that the track their minds land upon is Jesus Christ, and Him crucified?
What if we stopped looking for a boyfriend and started being a true friend?
What if we sacrificed of our time and spent hours on our knees praying true men into being?
What if we made it clear that we're fighting alongside them?
Do you think they'd start fighting, too?
"For the grace of God that brings salvation has appeared to all men. It teaches us to say 'No' to ungodliness and worldly passions and to live self-controlled, upright and godly lives in this present age." -Titus 2:11-12
I used to laugh sadly and nod my head in agreement whenever a fellow female would say this...
...until I heard a guy echo it. "That's just the way guys are," he said, and I felt my heart catch in my throat. Do you really believe that? my heart was screaming in protest. Have you really given in? Have you really become no more than what we've said you are? Have you really given up on ever being any better?
I no longer laugh at that statement, no matter who says it.
"Guys are only good for carrying things," we joke. "They'll never grow up," young women assert as they toss their hair and revel in their superiority. "Pigs, all of them," we say with a turned-up nose. And you know what they say: "They're only after one thing..."
And even as we mock them, something inside us dies: The dream of ever finding a man who will protect us, cherish us, and just love us.
"That's just the way they are," we sigh, and determine to move on and find a guy who's at least not as immature and piggish. We can never hope for any more.
And apparently, guys have started to agree. We have put them down, time and time again, and now they are convinced they can never rise above "the way they are." They have resigned themselves to defeat without ever putting up a fight -- because all the girls around them are telling them that they can never win.
Please, let me tell you something.
They can win.
Gentlemen: You can win.
"His divine power has given us everything we need for life and godliness..." (2 Peter 1:3).
Does an attitude of combined strength and tenderness come easily to a man? Is he born with complete control over his thought life? Is warrior-poet manhood something that comes naturally to anyone?
Probably not.
"Oh Kendall," you say, "you're telling guys to deny their nature and be something they're not!"
Absolutely.
"If anyone would come after Me, he must deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow Me" (Luke 9:23).
There may be a "way guys are"...before the Christ-life invades. Before Jesus completely rebuilds a man in His image. And guess what, ladies...we're just as bad.
No one, man or woman, was meant to stay the same after encountering Christ.
Does this mean a guy will suddenly become Prince Charming after meeting Jesus? Of course not. But he need no longer be a slave to who he was before.
However, we've painted a picture. We tell young men that they're in chains: the chains of modern manhood. They can't escape it. It's their nature. We graphically describe these chains, cutting men down and entrapping them in chains that no longer exist. They're not there! Jesus destroyed those chains! But even those who want to be different think it impossible.
And instead of coming alongside them and telling them that they have the power of the Living God to be a new creation and a Christ-built man, young women perpetuate the cycle. Instead of declaring freedom, we still see them as being bound by their nonexistent chains. Instead of encouraging them to get up, to walk away from a former way of life and become all that God intended, we tell them to just be the best chain-wearin' man there ever was.
I look back and think to myself, What on earth have I been doing?
What if we stopped cutting them down?
What if we stopped putting them in the world's box when they don't have to be of this world?
Sisters...what if we realized that guys don't need our criticism; they need our grace?
What if instead of talking about the way guys are, we talked about the way they could be? What if we put aside our own selfish desires for acceptance and went out of our way to protect the hearts and minds of the guys around us? What if, every time somebody made a demeaning comment about manhood, we responded with, "I don't believe it has to be like that"?
What if instead of flirting, we encouraged?
What if, instead of showing guys their chains, we showed them their Savior?
What if, instead of complaining about their one-track mind, our conversation was such that the track their minds land upon is Jesus Christ, and Him crucified?
What if we stopped looking for a boyfriend and started being a true friend?
What if we sacrificed of our time and spent hours on our knees praying true men into being?
What if we made it clear that we're fighting alongside them?
Do you think they'd start fighting, too?
"For the grace of God that brings salvation has appeared to all men. It teaches us to say 'No' to ungodliness and worldly passions and to live self-controlled, upright and godly lives in this present age." -Titus 2:11-12
Tuesday, December 6, 2011
Pieces
The Lord speaks in mysterious ways...
About a week ago, I fell asleep praying about what I should get my roomie for Christmas. That night, I dreamed that I gave her Duplo building blocks. (Weird, I know.) When I woke up, I was convinced that was what I needed to get her. But alas, Target and Wal-Mart were lacking in plain Duplo blocks, so she ended up with something entirely different.
But I still felt that dream was divinely inspired. I thought, God, there must be something You want to show her, some lesson You want to teach her through those blocks! It would just be so great if I could find them!
Mm-mm. No. Jesus shook His head and said, "Yes, there's a lesson in those blocks...but it's for you."
Me?? Psh, what was I going to learn from Duplo blocks? My roomie is tons more creative than me; I thought surely she'd be able to understand it. But me, I could never get any meaning out of Duplo blocks. That's ridiculous.
Then the Lord led me to the song "Pieces," by Red.
I'm here again, a thousand miles away from You
A broken mess, just scattered pieces of who I am
I tried so hard, thought I could do this on my own
I've lost so much along the way
Then I see Your face
I know I'm finally Yours
I find everything I thought I'd lost before
You call my name
I come to You in pieces so You can make me whole
I've come undone, but You make sense of who I am
Like puzzle pieces in Your hand
I tried so hard, so hard
Then I see Your face
I know I'm finally Yours
I find everything I thought I'd lost before
You call my name
I come to You in pieces so You can make me whole
I'd listened to this song several times before it suddenly hit me. I don't want to call it a "vision," but that's almost what it was. An entire story flashed through my mind in a split second. It went something like this.
"What are we making, Daddy?" the little girl asked, trailing her fingers through the pile of colorful Duplo blocks.
"A special house," the Daddy replied. "It will be beautiful and perfect."
The little girl smiled. "When will it be done?"
"It will take a long time, and it will be hard," the Daddy said seriously. "Every single piece will have an important part, and we must make sure they are all in the right place. But it will be worth it."
The little girl frowned. "That doesn't sound very fun." She bit her lip and appeared to consider for a minute, then said hesitantly, "But I trust You, Daddy."
The little girl and the Daddy began building together. They built after His pattern for a while. But the little girl became impatient. "Daddy, I want this house done right now!" she insisted.
"It will not be as beautiful if we hurry it," the Daddy warned her. "We will not be able to follow My pattern."
"But I don't want to follow Your pattern!" she whined. "It's boring! I'll build this house on my own." And so saying, she threw herself over the unused Duplo blocks and pulled them away from her Daddy. "You come back in a while," she instructed Him, "and I'll surprise You with how purty it is." Sitting up proudly, she waved Him away, and began to build on her own.
With each passing day, the "house" looked less and less like a house. Pieces were lost, stolen by the neighbor boy, eaten by the dog, accidentally kicked under the couch. The little girl had not realized how much her Daddy had done to protect the pieces. But more importantly, the little girl did not know how to build on her own. She understood nothing of how to make a house, and she simply threw pieces haphazardly together, trying to make it "purty."
Finally, coming to work on her house one day, the little girl simply stopped and stared before bursting into tears. "This isn't a house," she said to herself. "It's just a big mess, and it's not purty, and I don't know how to fix it, especially because pieces are missing." She collapsed in a heap of little-girl skirts and little-girl tears, and began tearing down the house she was building.
When it was completely demolished, she went into the kitchen to find a tissue. Her Daddy was there. She jumped when she saw Him, and she hung her head, ashamed.
"What's wrong, sweetheart?" He asked tenderly. "How's your house?"
Her lip quivered as she tried to hold back a sob, but it burst forth anyway. "It's all in pieces," she said helplessly, opening her fist to reveal a handful of disconnected pieces.
The Daddy took His daughter in His arms. He held her and waited for her to calm down a bit before He said quietly, "We can start over."
The little girl shook her head. "Pieces are missing. It can't be what You wanted it to be. It will never be beautiful and perfect ever again, because I didn't guard the pieces, and You said every piece was important."
"You are right, we cannot build it the exact same way I wanted to, with the original pieces," the Daddy said. "But I have new pieces to replace the lost ones. It can still be just as perfect and beautiful."
The little girl looked at her Daddy, wide-eyed. "Really?"
He smiled and nodded. "Really. But this time, you have to follow My plan if you want it to turn out right. Otherwise we'll have to start all over again."
"I trust You," she said confidently. "And maybe there will be times when I don't, but You will help me, won't you?"
The Daddy took the pieces from His daughter's hand. "Always."
That vision meant something very specific to me, but it could apply to so many things. We have our own ideas about how to build a "house" -- whether it be a house of joy, purity, romance, happiness, success, whatever. We know what we want, we want it quickly, and we think God's plan is, frankly, a little boring.
But give it enough time, and we look at the thing we've created and realize it looks nothing like joy or purity or success at all. It looks like a mess. We tear it down in our frustration, and suddenly we have nothing but pieces. We think it can never look like what God intended.
But it can! Oh, Friend, it can.
"He who was seated on the throne said, 'I am making everything new!'" (Revelation 21:5a)
"It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick. I have not come to call the righteous, but sinners." (Mark 2:17)
Christ is in the business of restoring our messes to the way they were originally supposed to be. And when He does, we know it had to be all Him... We are far too prone to error to have built something so beautiful.
No matter how much we have messed up... we are never so far He cannot completely rebuild us in His perfect image. He came so that we could be restored -- not so that we could wallow in our sin. He came to pull us out from the pit -- not so that we could be "saved," but remain in that pit. He came to rewrite our stories, rebuild our houses, restore our brokenness. He came that we might have life, and we should not expect a second-rate version of life because we messed up. He's bigger than that. Leslie Ludy writes, "Once you have been restored by Him, you are clothed in His righteousness. You are entitled to all the benefits of His amazing kingdom. Your forgiveness is complete. Your sin is removed as far from you as the east is from the west. It is finished."
The things we thought we'd lost forever...He makes them new. The things we thought were broken beyond repair...He makes them new. The things we thought we would never be able to do over...He makes new. He makes all things new. He gives second chance after second chance after second chance. How He loves!!
"I find everything I thought I'd lost before... I come to You in pieces so You can make me whole."
Ah, the lessons one learns from Duplos.
About a week ago, I fell asleep praying about what I should get my roomie for Christmas. That night, I dreamed that I gave her Duplo building blocks. (Weird, I know.) When I woke up, I was convinced that was what I needed to get her. But alas, Target and Wal-Mart were lacking in plain Duplo blocks, so she ended up with something entirely different.
But I still felt that dream was divinely inspired. I thought, God, there must be something You want to show her, some lesson You want to teach her through those blocks! It would just be so great if I could find them!
Mm-mm. No. Jesus shook His head and said, "Yes, there's a lesson in those blocks...but it's for you."
Me?? Psh, what was I going to learn from Duplo blocks? My roomie is tons more creative than me; I thought surely she'd be able to understand it. But me, I could never get any meaning out of Duplo blocks. That's ridiculous.
Then the Lord led me to the song "Pieces," by Red.
I'm here again, a thousand miles away from You
A broken mess, just scattered pieces of who I am
I tried so hard, thought I could do this on my own
I've lost so much along the way
Then I see Your face
I know I'm finally Yours
I find everything I thought I'd lost before
You call my name
I come to You in pieces so You can make me whole
I've come undone, but You make sense of who I am
Like puzzle pieces in Your hand
I tried so hard, so hard
Then I see Your face
I know I'm finally Yours
I find everything I thought I'd lost before
You call my name
I come to You in pieces so You can make me whole
I'd listened to this song several times before it suddenly hit me. I don't want to call it a "vision," but that's almost what it was. An entire story flashed through my mind in a split second. It went something like this.
"What are we making, Daddy?" the little girl asked, trailing her fingers through the pile of colorful Duplo blocks.
"A special house," the Daddy replied. "It will be beautiful and perfect."
The little girl smiled. "When will it be done?"
"It will take a long time, and it will be hard," the Daddy said seriously. "Every single piece will have an important part, and we must make sure they are all in the right place. But it will be worth it."
The little girl frowned. "That doesn't sound very fun." She bit her lip and appeared to consider for a minute, then said hesitantly, "But I trust You, Daddy."
The little girl and the Daddy began building together. They built after His pattern for a while. But the little girl became impatient. "Daddy, I want this house done right now!" she insisted.
"It will not be as beautiful if we hurry it," the Daddy warned her. "We will not be able to follow My pattern."
"But I don't want to follow Your pattern!" she whined. "It's boring! I'll build this house on my own." And so saying, she threw herself over the unused Duplo blocks and pulled them away from her Daddy. "You come back in a while," she instructed Him, "and I'll surprise You with how purty it is." Sitting up proudly, she waved Him away, and began to build on her own.
With each passing day, the "house" looked less and less like a house. Pieces were lost, stolen by the neighbor boy, eaten by the dog, accidentally kicked under the couch. The little girl had not realized how much her Daddy had done to protect the pieces. But more importantly, the little girl did not know how to build on her own. She understood nothing of how to make a house, and she simply threw pieces haphazardly together, trying to make it "purty."
Finally, coming to work on her house one day, the little girl simply stopped and stared before bursting into tears. "This isn't a house," she said to herself. "It's just a big mess, and it's not purty, and I don't know how to fix it, especially because pieces are missing." She collapsed in a heap of little-girl skirts and little-girl tears, and began tearing down the house she was building.
When it was completely demolished, she went into the kitchen to find a tissue. Her Daddy was there. She jumped when she saw Him, and she hung her head, ashamed.
"What's wrong, sweetheart?" He asked tenderly. "How's your house?"
Her lip quivered as she tried to hold back a sob, but it burst forth anyway. "It's all in pieces," she said helplessly, opening her fist to reveal a handful of disconnected pieces.
The Daddy took His daughter in His arms. He held her and waited for her to calm down a bit before He said quietly, "We can start over."
The little girl shook her head. "Pieces are missing. It can't be what You wanted it to be. It will never be beautiful and perfect ever again, because I didn't guard the pieces, and You said every piece was important."
"You are right, we cannot build it the exact same way I wanted to, with the original pieces," the Daddy said. "But I have new pieces to replace the lost ones. It can still be just as perfect and beautiful."
The little girl looked at her Daddy, wide-eyed. "Really?"
He smiled and nodded. "Really. But this time, you have to follow My plan if you want it to turn out right. Otherwise we'll have to start all over again."
"I trust You," she said confidently. "And maybe there will be times when I don't, but You will help me, won't you?"
The Daddy took the pieces from His daughter's hand. "Always."
That vision meant something very specific to me, but it could apply to so many things. We have our own ideas about how to build a "house" -- whether it be a house of joy, purity, romance, happiness, success, whatever. We know what we want, we want it quickly, and we think God's plan is, frankly, a little boring.
But give it enough time, and we look at the thing we've created and realize it looks nothing like joy or purity or success at all. It looks like a mess. We tear it down in our frustration, and suddenly we have nothing but pieces. We think it can never look like what God intended.
But it can! Oh, Friend, it can.
"He who was seated on the throne said, 'I am making everything new!'" (Revelation 21:5a)
"It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick. I have not come to call the righteous, but sinners." (Mark 2:17)
Christ is in the business of restoring our messes to the way they were originally supposed to be. And when He does, we know it had to be all Him... We are far too prone to error to have built something so beautiful.
No matter how much we have messed up... we are never so far He cannot completely rebuild us in His perfect image. He came so that we could be restored -- not so that we could wallow in our sin. He came to pull us out from the pit -- not so that we could be "saved," but remain in that pit. He came to rewrite our stories, rebuild our houses, restore our brokenness. He came that we might have life, and we should not expect a second-rate version of life because we messed up. He's bigger than that. Leslie Ludy writes, "Once you have been restored by Him, you are clothed in His righteousness. You are entitled to all the benefits of His amazing kingdom. Your forgiveness is complete. Your sin is removed as far from you as the east is from the west. It is finished."
The things we thought we'd lost forever...He makes them new. The things we thought were broken beyond repair...He makes them new. The things we thought we would never be able to do over...He makes new. He makes all things new. He gives second chance after second chance after second chance. How He loves!!
"I find everything I thought I'd lost before... I come to You in pieces so You can make me whole."
Ah, the lessons one learns from Duplos.
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