I did some things in 2011 I'm not proud of.
Guilt and I became good friends in 2011. He kept me company at night, whispering to me about who I was. He told me I was beyond repair. He told me I had become completely worthless. He told me no one would ever want me because of my mess-ups. He told me I was merely a victim: I was helpless against my past, and all I could do was curl up in a ball at night, feeling physically sick, feeling empty, feeling guilty. He told me my only option was to be a slave to him and Shame. And worst of all, he told me, God's sick of giving you another chance...so don't even try that again.
Fortunately, before 2011 rolled to a close, Guilt lost. Grace won.
Because here's the truth of the matter.
"He forgives all my sins and heals all my diseases." -Psalm 103:3
"Cleanse me with hyssop, and I will be clean; wash me, and I will be whiter than snow." -Psalm 51:7
"He was pierced for our transgressions, He was crushed for our iniquities; the punishment that brought us peace was upon Him, and by His wounds we are healed. We all, like sheep, have gone astray, each of us has turned to his own way; and the Lord has laid on Him the iniquity of us all." -Isaiah 53:5-6
"For He has rescued us from the dominion of darkness and brought us into the kingdom of the Son He loves, in whom we have redemption, the forgiveness of sins." -Colossians 1:13-14
"For it is by grace you have been saved..." -Ephesians 2:8a
Guilt lied.
Everything I did in 2011...Jesus signed His Name to. And destroyed.
So here's the miracle, beyond even forgiveness of sins: He didn't stop there.
What I broke, He remade.
What I gave away, He gave back, whole and complete.
When I felt worthless, He reminded me of the fact I spoke of in my last post: Jesus died my soul to save. God gave up His life for me, and I discount my worth??
When Guilt tried to barge back in and tell me I would be unwanted, Jesus fought him for me, declaring that He Himself will be my worth. Creator God is my Worth?? Oh yes...without Him, I would be nothing, and I am very happy about that fact. Because now I will be wanted by those who want Him.
When I thought I had to be a slave, He told me, Where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom. There is victory. I am not powerless! I have the power of the Cross to call upon, the power of His love for me -- I can ask Him to come fight for me.
He tells me I am pure. He tells me I am new. He tells me I am complete.
And He makes it so.
Yes, 2011 was a year of messing up. But I will not remember it as such. I will remember it as a year of the most extravagant grace imaginable. I will remember it as a year of experiencing the Cross afresh. I will remember Him...
Guilt is gone -- banished by the life-giving words of my Beloved. Shame cowers in the corner when I remind him that he has no authority in my life, and I have no obligation to listen to him, because I have a new Master whose Name is Love.
And Regret? Because of mercy, because of grace, because of Jesus...my greatest regret of 2011 is cutting my hair before Prom.
