Change

I hate lasts. I hate them a lot. I don't care that lasts lead to new beginnings. I'd like my old beginnings to continue on.

But they don't. They come to an end.

Last night was my last prom. And as my last prom, it was also my last high school dance. It was wonderful, it was beautiful, and I'll have those memories forever, but when I got home, what I did was cry. I sobbed into my pillow and told God I can't do it. I can't graduate. I can't leave home and go to college halfway across the country. I can't wake up in the morning and not have the promise of seeing the beautiful faces of the people I've come to know so well the past four years. (They tell you that by the time you hit May, you'll be thrilled to graduate and get out of there. Tripe, I tell you, tripe!)

And it hurts so badly, sometimes I just want to scream. I want to hit something. I want to squeeze my fists, I want to rip up a really big plant, I want to go underwater and not come back up until I have the promise that everything will stay the same.

But things don't stay the same. Nor should they. They change. I understand it. But that doesn't mean I like it.

There is something so crucial about going through this time of change in my life. As I've gone through all these "lasts," I've been forced to ask myself, What is my constant? When I wake up in the morning, what is my trust in? While everything around me whirls out of control, what am I counting on to stay the same?

And that's when I realize that my trust is in the wrong things. My trust is in waking up to a queen-sized bed and a semi-messy room. My trust is in knowing exactly how many stairs lead up to the kitchen. My trust is in the view from my family room. My trust is in knowing exactly where every outlet is in a given area. My trust is in the mommy who never fails to remind me, "Text me when you get there." My trust is in a little blue Corolla. My trust is in a boy whose hugs I look forward to every Thursday. My trust is in a girl I can count on to hug me, and laugh and cry with me no matter what I'm going through. My trust is in a school where everyone knows your name, and you know everyone's name. My trust is in teachers who can always tell when something is wrong. My trust is in knowing I can run to my mommy's room if I get sick in the middle of the night.

And all of that is about to change. I'll be going to a place where I don't know the number of stairs leading up to a dorm room. Where I'll have a twin bed. Where I have no idea what my view will look like. Where I'll no longer text my mommy every time I go somewhere. Where I won't have a car, where I'll never get those Thursday hugs, where that girl will only be available by phone, where no one will know my name for a long time, where teachers haven't learned what I look like when I'm upset, where if I get sick in the middle of the night, I'll be all alone.

I've never been so terrified. I wish I could stay four years old for forever and sleep in my parents' bed when I get scared of the dark. I wish I could stay eight years old forever and have the imagination that never runs out of names for its dolls. I wish I could stay twelve forever, just on the brink of being a teenager. I wish I could stay seventeen and eleven twelfths forever, grown up but still held close by that childhood home.

I wish I didn't have to grow up. I wish things didn't have to change. Big girls don't cry...but now that I'm a big girl, I've never cried so much (as evidenced by the six tissues that have been used while writing this post).

But in the midst of it all, I hear whispered softly to my heart, I'm so glad you're sad. It means you understand how much you've been blessed. I'm so glad you're weak, so that I can be strong. I'm so glad you're falling down, so that I can help you back up. I'm so glad you can't do this -- because now, you'll let Me.

When everything else changes, my Jesus stays the same. When everything I've trusted in is ripped away, I have to trust in Him. When I'm all alone, I'll be quicker to run to Him. When I'm terrified, He'll hold me in His arms and remind me that He has plans to prosper me and not to harm me, plans to give me a hope and a future.

I hate lasts. I hate change. But I love my Savior. And if change is what will bring me closer to Him...then bring it on.

The Unlikely Mission Field

It's inspiring. It's heartbreaking. It tells stories of hearts broken and lives remade. It's time-consuming. It can make some smile. It makes others weep. It can be uplifting or oppressive. It can be en enormous waste of time, or it can be a way of radiantly reflecting Christ and reaching out to serve others.

It's Facebook.

When Facebook first became popular, I was hugely confused about what was so great about it. I updated my status around once a month. I was a boring Facebook user.

As I got older and began to lose contact with more of my friends, I began to see the utility of Facebook in staying connected to people I would otherwise probably never hear from. Many of my friendships have stayed alive because of Facebook. Now, it has become one of my greatest areas for ministry.

The following is my "Facebook philosophy" -- the "policies" I have adopted so that rather than being a distraction and poor use of my time, time on Facebook can become a way of reaching out to others and encouraging them.

• Discover Spirit-led prayer. Most of us spend much more time on Facebook than we need to, simply because we have "nothing better to do." It should take no more than five or ten minutes to get all of your "Most Recent" posts read. Then, instead of spending time playing games or creepily stalking peoples' profiles, ask God to open your eyes to the people who need prayer. I used to pray for every single person who appeared on my news feed by name whenever I would read their posts. While I no longer do that, as it actually increased my time spent online, this habit was a wonderful time of learning to discern God's voice. Many times, something specific would come to mind for certain individuals. God still uses status updates to draw my attention to someone who needs prayer -- even if their status is as simple as, "Chocolate ice cream is delicious."
• Take advantage of messaging. I don't mean chat; I turn my chat off. But you have the opportunity to reach and encourage people with the click of a button. Send encouraging messages. Let somebody know you're praying for them. You never know how God is working; I've often gotten messages back saying that was exactly what that person had needed at the time. [Note: This does not mean you should send messages willy-nilly. Ask God if there is someone who needs an encouraging word, and if He brings no one to mind, send nothing.]
• Don't post negative statuses. Two hundred and nineteen of your "friends" do not need to know your most intimate struggles. They don't need to know how much you hate your parents. Your post-break-up depression does not need to be posted for every person you know (or don't know) to read about. Thoughts of self-harm are intended to be shared with parents or another trusted adult, not with that one guy you met at that camp that one time. If you would not tell every single one of your Facebook friends in person, don't post it on Facebook. It comes off as a poor, selfish cry for attention; and far too often, it gets the desired reaction in the form of comments from well-meaning friends.
• Don't be too open. You are a complex individual with unique circumstances, emotions, and reactions. The moment you declare every single thing you feel on Facebook, you lose your intrinsic mystery and become a much less fascinating person. Even if it is a positive experience, don't share every detail of your personal life with all these people. I rarely share my emotions on Facebook unless they are generic feelings of praise, gratitude, love, etc. Even when I am privately discussing the way God is working in my life, I do not give specific examples. Try to keep some of that old-fashioned distance and reserve in the way you write your status messages. I seriously doubt you would truly want hundreds of people knowing the inner workings of your heart; and yet, many of us unwittingly post them daily (and in great detail).
• Be encouraging. If you can't post something nice, don't post it at all! Whenever I've found myself wanting to post something less-than-positive, I come to realize that it is simply because I want the attention. I want people to feel sorry for me. But here are more than 200 people who do not need any more negativity in their life, especially from someone who claims to have the joy of the Lord as her strength. If anything, they need a word of encouragement from Jesus Christ. So more often than not, I end up posting things that weren't written by me at all. They are quotes from people far wiser than I; and they end up crazily blessing people when I least expect it.

Of course, Facebook is intended for fun. It's alright to post something weird and crazy once in a while. It's alright to tell people what a great night you had at your friend's party. But step back and consider: Is what I am saying a good use of my time? Is this something that is going to bless the people who read it, or will I become "just another status"? Even worse, am I trying to get attention? Am I causing people to be dragged down by my poor attitude, or am I pointing them heavenward?

Facebook can be an incredible opportunity for ministry. After all, how else do you have contact to so many people in a single day? So long as we use it wisely and selflessly, I am convinced that God can easily work through Facebook to bring people to Him. I challenge you to consider how you can use a social network for His glory. You may end up blessing people without ever knowing it!