May my plans be upset that I might find Yours.
May my heart be broken that You might hold it together.
May my life be spent for all that You count worthy.
May my eyes be turned from all You despise.
May my passion be spent for You and You alone.
May the word "my" be purged from my vocabulary...
Oh, that I could always wholeheartedly pray that prayer!
Far too many times, I sit with my journal, and words flow onto the pages perfectly. They sound so beautiful, and I feel love for Jesus welling up in my heart. As the pen moves across the page, I feel my walls tumbling down; I feel His love changing me; I feel my heart slowly, reluctantly surrendering to His will and His ways.
And then I close the journal and walk away.
"Do not merely listen to the Word, and so deceive yourselves. Do what it says" (James 1:22).
Do I really believe what I pray? Do I really want what I ask for? If I'm being honest, then no, not all the time. I don't want to be ruined. That doesn't sound fun. I don't want to be a fool for the Cross of Christ sometimes. That's not popular. Most people don't want to read a blog about "Christian stuff." They want stories. They want embarrassing stories. They want cute stories, funny stories, stories with happy endings (to have an ending, the ending has to have already happened!). That's what gets blogs read. That's what makes people comfortable and warm and fuzzy inside. Isn't that what I want out of life? To make people feel warm and fuzzy inside?
When I picture people reading my blog, I like to imagine them with a cup of coffee or tea or hot cocoa or whatever warm beverage in a cup that sits perfectly in your hands that you like to drink, knees pulled up to their chest in a warm sweater. (Even in summer. You should try it sometime.) I want you to be comfy and warm and cozy on the outside, because I want that to reflect an inner coziness. And I know that the only way you can be perfectly, unconditionally "warm and fuzzy" no matter your circumstances -- good day or bad -- is through Jesus Christ....
...and He asks that we be willing to be ruined. To be broken and poured out and utterly spent.
Ah, the beautiful paradox of the purchased life!
What do you want, Kendall? He's been asking me. I mean, what do you really want?
An ache begins to whelm in my heart, and it declares, "I want to know Christ and the power of His resurrection!"
He declares, Keep reading.
...I want to know Christ and the power of His resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in His sufferings...
I want the fellowship of sharing in His sufferings.
The paradox once more. Life in death. Joy in pain.
I cannot fully know all of Jesus if I do not know His sufferings...and I want to know Christ. I don't want to stop because I've gotten to the uncomfortable part. I want to press in. I want to count it all as loss -- to be considered a fool, all for the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord.
Are you really willing to be ruined? to move from simply saying the words to truly experiencing the upset, overturned, overtaken, ruined life?
If it means knowing Christ...Beloved, may I ever have that life!
