Ruin Me

May my plans be upset that I might find Yours.

May my heart be broken that You might hold it together.

May my life be spent for all that You count worthy.

May my eyes be turned from all You despise.

May my passion be spent for You and You alone.

May the word "my" be purged from my vocabulary...

Oh, that I could always wholeheartedly pray that prayer!

Far too many times, I sit with my journal, and words flow onto the pages perfectly. They sound so beautiful, and I feel love for Jesus welling up in my heart. As the pen moves across the page, I feel my walls tumbling down; I feel His love changing me; I feel my heart slowly, reluctantly surrendering to His will and His ways.

And then I close the journal and walk away.

"Do not merely listen to the Word, and so deceive yourselves. Do what it says" (James 1:22).

Do I really believe what I pray? Do I really want what I ask for? If I'm being honest, then no, not all the time. I don't want to be ruined. That doesn't sound fun. I don't want to be a fool for the Cross of Christ sometimes. That's not popular. Most people don't want to read a blog about "Christian stuff." They want stories. They want embarrassing stories. They want cute stories, funny stories, stories with happy endings (to have an ending, the ending has to have already happened!). That's what gets blogs read. That's what makes people comfortable and warm and fuzzy inside. Isn't that what I want out of life? To make people feel warm and fuzzy inside?

When I picture people reading my blog, I like to imagine them with a cup of coffee or tea or hot cocoa or whatever warm beverage in a cup that sits perfectly in your hands that you like to drink, knees pulled up to their chest in a warm sweater. (Even in summer. You should try it sometime.) I want you to be comfy and warm and cozy on the outside, because I want that to reflect an inner coziness. And I know that the only way you can be perfectly, unconditionally "warm and fuzzy" no matter your circumstances -- good day or bad -- is through Jesus Christ....

...and He asks that we be willing to be ruined. To be broken and poured out and utterly spent.

Ah, the beautiful paradox of the purchased life!

What do you want, Kendall? He's been asking me. I mean, what do you really want?

An ache begins to whelm in my heart, and it declares, "I want to know Christ and the power of His resurrection!"

He declares, Keep reading.

...I want to know Christ and the power of His resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in His sufferings...

I want the fellowship of sharing in His sufferings.

The paradox once more. Life in death. Joy in pain.

I cannot fully know all of Jesus if I do not know His sufferings...and I want to know Christ. I don't want to stop because I've gotten to the uncomfortable part. I want to press in. I want to count it all as loss -- to be considered a fool, all for the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord.

Are you really willing to be ruined? to move from simply saying the words to truly experiencing the upset, overturned, overtaken, ruined life?

If it means knowing Christ...Beloved, may I ever have that life!

As Time Goes By...

...I am more and more convinced of one thing.

Jesus Christ alone is important.

Academic Success calls out my name. "You need me," he whispers. "I deserve the majority of your time and attention. If you haven't got me, you're useless. How could God use someone mediocre -- or even worse, a failure?"

Jesus whispers back, "I use the foolish things to confound the wise. I can use someone who is a 'failure' by the world's standards, and use her for My glory more than a straight-A student who doesn't need to depend on Me would ever let Me. Yes, work hard. Do your best -- but do it unto Me, and do not allow it to replace Me in your life. I will take care of the rest."

Popularity drapes her arm around me. "Of course you need me!" she laughs loudly. "How will you ever get ahead in life without me? How will you ever get the message of Jesus out if people don't know who you are?"

Jesus lifts the heavy weight of her arm from my shoulders. "People don't need to know who you are, Kendall," he says. "They need to know who I am."

Regret slithers his cold hand into mine. "I keep you company at night," he hisses alluringly. "You'd be so lonely without me. Admit it -- without me, you wouldn't even know who you are. The things you've done shape you, Kendall, and I'm part of it. You can't get rid of me."

"I am making all things new!" Jesus declares, breaking Regret's dark hold on me. "I have laid down My life so that you may start over and have a new identity -- one that is founded in Me, and the truth about who I created you to be." He gently places His hand in mine. "And I will keep you company -- always."

Romantic Love waltzes up with a giggle and takes my other hand. "Without me, your life isn't complete!" she exclaims dramatically. "You will never be truly happy or fulfilled while I'm not around." So saying, she slips away and darts out of my reach, beckoning for me to come chase after her.

"Romantic Love cannot satisfy you," Jesus says warmly. "She will let you down. You must be fully, completely satisfied by Me alone if you are ever going to experience a love story the way it was meant to be experienced."

And slowly, as everything I've chased and pursued is stripped away, I realize something wonderful: Everything I want and need to be satisfied, to be fulfilled, is right in front of me. I need not waste time chasing these things and coming up empty and confused. He's here. That's all I need -- all I'll ever need.

"For every need and want is found in You -- every breath in me a gift from You. I have nothing here apart from You. I am Yours, Lord...only Yours." ~Meredith Andrews, "Only To Be Yours"

The Temple

The following was a journal entry I wrote back in July. I found it today and decided to share it. It is a very loose analogy, but I hope it ministers to you!

A man once bought a church. It was run down, falling apart, and not the most attractive architecture in the world. So he began to pour all his time and resources into changing the appearance of the building. He put in new windows, repainted the outside, and eventually had transformed it into one of the most beautiful buildings in town. Its lovely appearance drew people in. They came from all over to see this masterpiece.

However, the owner had failed to clean the inside of the church. The smell of garbage drifted through the halls. Mice scurried over the feet of those in attendance. No one truly seeking to worship could focus, due to the repulsive interior. However, most were not there to worship God; they were there because they thought the building beautiful. Either way, no one came back for a second Sunday. The church once again fell into disuse.

A second man, around the same time, bought a similar church. It, too, was plain; but the owner determined that the outside was unimportant -- after all, people worshiped inside the building, not while staring at the exterior. So he began to renovate the sanctuary. He completely gutted it and started from scratch. He put in thick carpet, comfortable seats, beautiful touches that spoke of the majesty of God. It was all designed to draw attention to Christ -- not the church itself. When it was finished, he put a fresh coat of paint on the outside to be sure it reflected the elegance and joy of Christ -- but beyond that, the church building was unchanged.

People truly desiring to seek God heard of the beautiful sanctuary. Songs of worship and prophetic words spilled out from the windows. Earnest worshipers encountered their Creator within this sanctuary without distraction.

No one even gave a thought to the building's exterior; they were too enthralled by the God within.

"Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit?" ~1 Corinthians 6:19

Letter to a Brother

Dear Brother,

You may be the guy I sit next to in science class. You may be the guy who held the door for me this morning. You may be any one of millions of young men on Planet Earth. But do you know what I figured out recently?

Whoever you are, you're someone else's future husband.

When I think of my future husband (if I get married), I imagine a young man whose heart has always been and always will be faithful to me. Whether or not that's a realistic picture or will be what actually happens, it's what I want (which is really hypocritical since I haven't exactly returned the favor...but I promise I'm going to start trying!). My perfect picture of the perfect man includes a heart that has been saved for me, eyes have never looked with love on anyone but me, hands that have never held the hand of a girl besides me. I firmly believe Jesus can give anyone (including me) a fresh start...but if I had my druthers, that's the way it would be.

So I had this crazy idea. What if I walked around looking at every guy thinking in my heart, Oh my goodness, won't it be beautiful when he gets married! How can I treat him now so that when he gets married, his wife comes to me one day and says, "Thank you for the way you treated and inspired my husband. Thank you for not attempting to take anything from him that was meant to be saved for me. Thank you for helping him preserve the gift of his heart and his mind. Thank you for making him a better man."

Golly, I'd love that. I'd love for your wife to think of me as that kind of woman. And I'd love to be the kind of woman that could inspire you to be a better man -- not so that I can have you, but so that the woman who does have you will be blessed by the man you are.

I'm pretty sure I've been a massive failure at that so far. Not that it's a pastime of mine to go around purposely tempting guys to dishonor their future wives, but I know it's happened. I know I do it. I know a couple times, I've done it pretty seriously.

So I just want to say to you, my dear brother...I'm sorry. And one day, tell your lovely, precious wife I'm sorry for me if I can't do it myself. I want to apologize to all the future wives out there for tempting your husbands to give away parts of themselves they should never have been asked to give away. And I want to apologize to you, the young men who have been and will be in my life, for having played a part in that. Should you ever choose to sit down with the woman God has for you and discuss the previous women in your life, I cannot imagine how mortified I would be when you had to talk about me.

But from now on, I commit to living differently. For your sake and for the sake of the gorgeous, amazing woman who will one day be your bride, I want to start to be the kind of woman who could be thanked for her interaction with you.

I don't know how. But by the grace of God and with His help in each and every day, I want to change. I want to be a good sister for you.

So I am I sorry for all the times I have caused your eyes to turn away from where they should be directed, and I look forward to a future of pointing you ever more toward Christ.

Love,
Kendall

A New Thing

"Kendall."

"ACK!" I jump and hurriedly stuff the papers in my hand under my pillow. "Ahem. Hi."

"What are you doing?"

"Oh, just, You know..." I awkwardly twirl my hair around my finger. "Just doing a bit of, uh...reading."

"Something I wrote?"

I bite my lip and look at the Bible that sits closed on my desk. "Well..."

"Will you let Me see it?"

I know very well that He already knows what it is I have stuffed under my pillow. Slowly, I pull out the crumpled pages and hand them to Him. He accepts them, but He isn't looking at the writings in His hand. He's looking at me.

"You told Me you were through with this story."

"I am!" I exclaim earnestly. "I haven't added any more to it, I promise. I just..." I look at the worn pages longingly. "I like to go back sometimes."

He comes and sits down beside me. "Why is that?"

"I --" My eyes fill with tears. "I don't know," I whisper, shaking my head.

He sets the pages aside and directs my gaze to the Book on my desk. I reach for it, and He directs me to the page He desires me to know. The lines have been marked, but how many times have I simply passed the words by, never letting them sink into my heart? Gently, sweetly, He begins to read to me...

"Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland..."


Lord, may my eyes be drawn to the new things you do in my life. May I ever look forward, not in regret or in wishing to the past. Capture my heart...let me be in love with the God who makes all things new.

Lessons from Gideon

I've never really been an Old Testament girl. My Bible has always looked rather lopsided, with the New Testament well-worn and heavily underlined and the Old sitting sad and lonely with the majority of the marks of its use in Psalms. However, for my Old Testament college course, I am required to read a little under two-thirds of the OT. I made it through the Books of the Law with a little bit of difficulty, but I certainly learned things about our Lord's holiness. And the fact that He deeply cares about people who have accidentally killed someone (seriously, it's in there at least five times -- what a heart He has to protect them!).

A few days ago, my reading brought me to Judges. When I came to the story of Gideon, it was tempting to skim the story so that I could simply refresh my memory and get through more pages. But the Holy Spirit urged my heart to slow down and absorb every single line and verse of what I was reading. (This really has nothing to do with the point of this post, I just love the way God brings certain things to my attention -- He loves me, He loves me!)

Gideon had an enormous calling. He was called to rescue Israel from the hands of their enemies, the Midianites. And, like so many of us, he did not feel qualified for this calling. "But Lord," he protested, "how can I save Israel? My clan is the weakest in Manasseh, and I am the least in my family!"

I hear echoes of Gideon's protests in my own prayers. "I'm not old enough." "I'm not wise enough." "I'm not smart enough." "I don't have enough money." "I'm not very good at that; I really feel my gifting is in another area."

And here's what God says.

"Go in the strength you have and save Israel."

Not, "Oh, golly gee Gideon, you're right. I didn't think of that. I'll go find someone else. You keep hiding in your wine press."

Not, "Whoa, I see what you mean -- you're scrawny! Drop down and give me twenty! Bulk up a bit, and I'll come back when your biceps are big enough to handle this calling."

No. Not, "Go get more strength."

"Go in the strength you have."

Take what you have already... Give it to Me... And I will do the rest.

And then, to seal the deal, He reminds Gideon of something very important.

"Go in the strength you have and save Israel out of Midian's hand. Am I not sending you?"

Can't you see it? Why would you doubt? Why would you believe this is impossible? Are you forgetting who it is that asked you to go?

Is it not the Creator of the Universe who calls us?

The Almighty Savior who conquered death?

The ever-present Friend who longs to be near and hear our every prayer?

Is it not an all-powerful, loving, beautiful LORD who sends us?

"I will be with you," He continues, "and you will strike down all the Midianites."

All of them.

And He will be with us!

Do not wait, my friend, and do not worry! Do not consider yourself unqualified! Go in the strength you have -- and He will fight for you. Step out in faith, willing to be used, no matter how small and insignificant you feel. (Not only did Gideon feel unqualified, but once he obeyed anyway, God actually made him decrease the number of fighting men he had with him!)

If I had enough strength to do things on my own, this life would be about me. But it's not about me. It's about Him.

So I commit to go...in the strength I have. Not worrying about tomorrow. Not worrying about failure. May we claim the victory that has already been purchased by the blood of Jesus Christ. May we live in the freedom won by the Cross, sealed by our Commander in heaven!

The God Who Hears

"If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask Him!" ~Matthew 7:11

I like flowery language. I like my prayers to sound profound. I like to use big words, and have my language flow, and sound overall very smart.

I was in the middle of one such smart-sounding prayer the other night when an image flashed through my mind with a force that made me completely forget what I had just been praying about.

I was sitting on the floor -- not even kneeling, really, just sitting -- and in front of me was a Man in a chair, leaning forward, listening intently to everything I was saying.

And when that image flashed into my mind, I no longer had anything to say.

I've talked to a fair number of people in my lifetime, and there is nothing that bothers me more than when the person I'm talking to isn't really listening. And let's face it -- most of the time, people aren't really listening. They have other things on their mind. They're wondering who sent the text that just buzzed in their pocket. They're thinking, "Oh my gosh, would this Kendall girl please just shut up!"

And I think that's how I approach God as a talker. I talk without really believing He's intently listening. I know He can hear me, and probably some divine stenographer is writing down everything I say to bring it to His attention later. As a result, it's far less frequent than it should be that I really experience God's presence as I'm praying.

But once again, I have approached everything with the wrong attitude: Believing that it's all about me.

Prayer is not about me talking.

It's about God listening.

It's about an amazing Heavenly Daddy who, when you whisper "Dear God" in the back of your mind, leans forward. He is incredibly eager to hear what you have to say. He's incredibly eager to meet you, right then and there, while you're talking. He listens. With 100% of His attention (God has a lot of attention).

Prayer is about God listening. I wish I would have understood that years ago. If God didn't exist... If God didn't have the power to change circumstances, to change hearts, to change my heart... What good would prayer be? Could I change the world with prayers directed at an empty heaven, no matter how flowery?

Moreover, since God is so gracious to listen with undivided attention to me...should I not give the same undivided attention to Him when He speaks?

"Before they call I will answer; while they are still speaking I will hear." ~Isaiah 65:24