A Different Kind of "Going On"

There is a phrase that is used these days that absolutely tears at me. It is so indicative of the mediocrity and brokenness that Satan asks us to accept. He whispers, "Life is terrible. It can't get any worse (or could it?), and you can't feel any better...so you might as well just deal with it."

And we nod, lift our heads, brush off the dirt, and say resignedly, "And life goes on."

And yes: life goes on. It does. The circumstances that tear us down will soon be only painful memories, and the people who hurt us will soon move out of our lives. In some ways, the recognition of this fact is admirable. There is something in it that says, "No, I will not let these things break me. I will continue to fight and live and go on, and realize that I won't always feel like this." It refuses defeat.

But at the same time, it refuses healing.

Jesus did not die so that you could accept your pain and carry it with you for the rest of your life. He did not rescue you from a life of misery just so that you would "deal" with your heartbreak by pushing it to the back of your mind. He does not stand with open arms, able to carry the entire weight of the entire world's sin, waiting for you to come to Him, just so you can say, "Nah, it's okay. Life goes on. I'll get over it."

No, my friend, you are made for more! So much more! Your God did not design you to accept brokenness. He did not create you for a life where crack after crack forms in your heart and you simply try to ignore it and forget the pain. He shaped you so that you would be whole. He does not want you to muddle through a mediocre life, pushing yourself back up time and again thinking that's the only way life can be -- you might as well deal with it. No! Your God made you more than a conqueror in Christ Jesus. You are to live victoriously. Passionately. Fully. You were not made to settle, you were made to want Jesus' best. He did not give up all so that you would settle for a life less than that!

Our God can calm a raging storm with a word. He heals the lame. He restores sight to the blind. He brings the dead to life. And He wants to take your heart, that has died one tiny piece at a time, and breathe His life into it. He desires disciples who are completely alive!

"And He who is seated on the throne said, 'See! I make all things new'" (Revelation 21:5). Come, fall at the feet of your God. Do not do it flippantly. Do not do it just for show or to make yourself feel better. Do it with a deep desire to be made completely new, completely alive. Come to be made strong, and to fall head-over-heels in love with a God who is strong to save. Come to discover victorious life in Christ. Come; worship; seek the heart of God. And as you lose yourself in His beautiful heart for you, yours will be raised to life. And life will, again, go on -- but it will go on with a strength and power that you could never have imagined.

Our Greater God

If you've never experienced them, college applications are an extremely stressful process. It's not so much the deadlines or the essays or all the times you have to shout to your parents, "Wait, where did you go to college?" It's the money. Sitting down with your dad to add up the tuition, fees, room and board of all the schools you want to go to is not exactly encouraging. "You can totally go to this school, Kendall! You just need to earn $3,000 this summer, okay?"

Yeah. Not so happy...until I realize that my God is so much bigger than tuition. Something that may seem far too large to overcome is absolutely nothing to Him. While I sit around fretting that I'll have to go to my second-choice school, He gently whispers, "Have you forgotten who I AM?" Even if I do end up going to my second-choice school, I have every confidence that I will be attending His first choice. When we are in hot pursuit of the Almighty, He doesn't decide to give us second-best.

The God who calmed the waves and conquered death and keeps this entire world in motion is bigger than any circumstances. Paul said that neither death nor life, angels nor demons, the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation can separate us from the love of Christ. If Paul were alive today, I don't think I'd have the courage to walk up to him and say, "Um, you forgot one teensy-little thing. I think it's too big for God."

"And what's that?"

"Er...college tuition. I mean, you guys didn't really have college back when you wrote that... So I would totally understand if that just didn't cross your mind."

Paul was a fun-loving, sarcastic man, so at this point he would probably be laughing at me. I don't think I'd be willing to do that.

Amy Carmichael wrote, "If I cannot catch 'the sound of noise of rain' long before the rain falls, and, going to some hilltop of the spirit, as near to my God as I can, have not faith to wait there with my face between my knees, though six times or sixty times I am told 'there is nothing,' til at last 'there arises a little cloud out of the sea,' then I know nothing of Calvary love."

Our God will come through for us. Perhaps not in the way we expect. And certainly not if we're running as fast as we can in the opposite direction. But if we have the faith to trust Him, and praise Him for the rain even before it falls, there is no length He will not go to in order to bring His perfect will to pass. Let us wait patiently on our God to answer our prayers, in His own time, in His own way; and let us not cease to pray until He answers. Let us look at our circumstances and smile, remembering a God who brought three men out of a fiery furnace not only burn-free, but without the smell of smoke hanging upon them.

"The heart set to do the Father's will need never fear defeat." ~Elisabeth Elliot

You're Beautiful

I sat down to write about how beautiful my God is. But my heart is too full for words. All I want to do is worship this amazing God. All I want to do is give Him every part of me. I can't even begin to describe all He's done for me. He quite literally turned my life around and took it in a direction I never would've imagined for myself. He's been so much more than enough. And even though I've just succeeded in writing a paragraph about how amazing He is, my words right now don't seem nearly enough for how much He's done for me.

So, I kinda want to know: What are some of your amazing God stories from the past year? How has He changed you? How has He saved you? What has He done for you, and what has He led you to do for Him? At this time of year, when we tend to take for granted that He came as a baby to live a perfect life and die for us, what is it that brings you to your knees in amazement?

And yeah, I really truly want to know. So leave a comment on this post, or on the Facebook link, or send me a message, because I want to be astounded by how He's working in your life. So then we can worship Him together.

I love each and every one of you, and I pray that you are learning to discover the glorious riches of the love of Jesus Christ.

Merry Christmas.

Ordained Praise

Satan loves pity parties. You may think you're the guest of honor, but it's really him. He thinks they're the greatest things ever. Pity parties are the perfect time to sneak up behind you and whisper in your ear every single little insecurity you've ever had. They're the perfect time to distract you from everything you know is true. And what he really loves about them is that they make you feel helpless against it. You don't see a way out of this self-pity and all the hurtful thoughts it brings; so he convinces you that it's not even worth trying. Or if it is worth trying, he warps what you believe about how to fight against it. Pretty soon, we have eating disorders; cutting; depression; suicide. Most commonly, we hate ourselves for feeling this way -- and thus begins the vicious cycle of self-pity.

And oh, Satan just gives a gurgling giggle of glee. The absolute best lies come out during these times. One of the main ones: This isn't a pity party. I'm hurting, and I want to mope about it, okay?? Yes. We hurt. And Satan loves to convince us that it's absolutely okay to dwell on that pain. And that even if it's not okay, there's really nothing we can do about it. After all, if we're not thinking about it, how are we ever going to get better?

LIES, I tell you, lies! Absolutely, we should not deny that we're hurting. (That's another one of the things he likes to convince us to do... Golly, I don't like him.) But do you know what we are supposed to do with all that pain? With all those broken pieces?

"Cast all your cares on Him, for He cares for you." ~1 Peter 5:7
"Arise, cry out in the watches of the night, as the watches of the night begin; pour out your heart like water in the presence of the Lord." ~Lamentations 2:19
"From the lips of children and infants you have ordained praise because of your enemies, to silence the foe and the avenger." ~Psalm 8:2

The first two state exactly what we should do when confronted with pain: Dump it. Not on your friends, although of course you can ask for prayer. But they cannot heal you. So please don't expect them to. No, cast everything on God. For He cares for you. He knows everything that's going on already, but there's something crucial about you actually coming to Him and talking about it.

And finally, my personal favorite response when Satan's lies start to creep in: Worship. Praise. This should not be that kind of worship like, "Oh my gosh, God, life is really horrible. Please make it better." That's supplication. That's the kind of intercession that your friends can be doing for you. That's also included in the "casting your cares" part. But once those cares are cast, leave them, and just start worshiping. Praise Him for who He is. Praise Him for His promises. Completely disregard your circumstances, and just worship! He is worthy, and whatever is going on in your life does not change that fact. Satan cannot stand it when you worship God -- especially in the face of pain.

These are a few "worship methods" that my mom and I have come up with and shared over the years. Of course, they're not original, but they are effective, and we go back to them over and over again.

• Journal. Satan cannot hear your thoughts; and if you try to pray in your head, you're much more likely to get distracted by those lies still being shouted at you from that despicable, mean, horrid...you know.
• Pray out loud. Same dealio as the journaling. And specifically, pray that God would banish the Evil One!
  
• Read scripture out loud. Particularly Psalms. Psalms of thanksgiving are the absolute best.
• Sing! This is my favorite (for those of you who know me, that's not a surprise...) I sit at the piano or pull out the guitar and just repeat the same worship songs over and over. OR I pull out my iPod (or open YouTube) and sing along. These songs usually have nothing to do with the precise lies I'm hearing at the moment. They're just songs telling God how absolutely great He is. And Satan really doesn't like being reminded of that...

Both leaving the already-cast cares behind and worshiping take willpower. Even though it's counter-intuitive, we sometimes want (subconsciously) to stay wrapped up in our self-pity and our pain. We want to feel it as much as possible. We want to use it as a cry to be noticed. We want a problem that's too big for God to fix.

Well -- there isn't one. So no matter how much you don't want to, get with your King and praise Him. Even if it doesn't feel real, even if it doesn't feel true, He'll help you. As you pour out your worship before Him, He will fill you up with Him. And Satan will run away as fast as possible from the powerful presence of God.

It's sometimes not easy -- but it's simple. So worship, my friend. Be astounded by the beauty of your God. And forget all of that pain you hold inside; for as you praise Him, He heals you. And when He heals you, you won't be able to keep from praising Him.

Crazy Love

Bear with me for a moment, and let me tell you who you are.

You are chosen. You are designed with a purpose. Not a single feature on your face is a mistake. You're smile was specifically created just for you, though it was meant to be shared.

You were so beautifully designed that Someone fell in love with you. In fact, He fell in love with you before you were even born. He knew who you would be. He knew every mistake you would ever make. He knew every hair that would be on your head every second of every day. He knew all the times you would fall down; all the times you would reject His love; all the times you would spit in His face in unbelief; all the times you would walk away, feeling unworthy, unlovable, unforgivable; all the times you would turn your head away in sadness, unwilling to believe that He could wipe away every tear; all the times you would think someone else was more important than Him; all the times you would refuse to trust Him; all the times you would turn away from Him and never even give Him a thought.

But He fell in love with you nevertheless. And when you heard what He thought about you, that He believed you were beautiful and special, you couldn't believe it. It defied logic. It was too silly. Too ridiculous. It made no sense. This perfect One, falling in love with...you?

And then it got even more ridiculous. Seems this perfect Man actually died for you -- and not just died, but died an excruciatingly painful death. He suffered horribly. It was senseless. He'd done nothing wrong. You were the one who messed up. But He willingly stepped in and took your place, because He adored you. And the worst part was -- He could have come down at any moment. He could have called thousands of angels to His command. But He could see into the future, and see that one day, He would have a chance of winning your heart, if only He would stay, suffer, and die now. And so He stayed. He stayed, and He died.

But it did not end the day that He died. It began. And it got even more ridiculous. This perfect Man actually came back to life. He knew that one day, you would look at this amazing thing, this "death of death," and take it for granted. But He knew it would save you -- and so He did it anyway. He knew that His heart would break because of it, when you would go through days at a time without even thinking about it. But He did it anyway, because He was so in love with you.

And then He waited. He waited for the day you would be born. He was so, so excited. He had a beautiful life planned for you. It would not be easy. You would struggle. You would cry. You would face loneliness, rejection, depression, failure, loss, pain. But He was waiting to face it with you. He knew that if you would continually keep running back to His arms, all the pain you were experiencing would pale in comparison to His great, great love for you. In those moments with Him, you would forget this world, and you would remember that one day, the two of you would be perfectly, eternally together. And you would never hurt again.

But the world that He had created -- filled with beauty, because He wanted to fill your heart with the joy of a sunrise and the peace of a rainbow -- became distracting. You forgot that He was much, much more lovely than the world around you. And without Him in every day, the world started to lose its enchantment. Instead of the difficult but beautiful walk with Him that He had planned, you walked away, trying to face the problems set before you on your own. You knew He was still there, and you still talked to Him; but you did not understand the passionate relationship He wanted. And so while His words affected your decisions, His presence was not constantly felt in your daily life.

And so you began taking on things that He never wanted you to deal with on your own. The life He had designed to be so joyful, even in the face of adversity, was drudgery. The circumstances you were never meant to carry by yourself nearly overwhelmed you. The losses He wanted so desperately to help heal became aching, festering sores. Your heart wandered further and further away from Him as you wondered how Someone who had the ability to overcome death could allow these things to happen to you.

But this was not the way it was supposed to be. This was not the way it had to be. He made you more than a conqueror, if only you would claim His strength and your weakness each and every morning. If only you would give your life completely over to Him, to guide as He would. He would take you places you could never imagine. Not all of them would be "fun"; not all of them would be easy; and He might lead you even to death. But He would be there. And He would prove Himself far more than enough.

And so He continues waiting. He waits for you to run back. He waits for you to understand how overwhelming His love is for you. He waits for you to realize that He wants so much more than just a part of you, because He made all of you, and He loves it. He waits for you to remember that though the world is beautiful, it is fleeting, but He will always be there. He waits for you to accept His pursuit, to fall into His arms, to give Him everything that you've been carrying.

And as soon as you do, He holds you close and weeps over you. He rejoices over you as though you are the only one in the world. He heals your shattered heart. He dries your tears and does everything He can just to see you smile again. He picks up the weight that was meant to fall on His back all along. He gives you a reason to get up in the morning. He reminds you that you are His, and that though you may have left Him, though you may have tried to live without Him for a time, He never left your side. He was there, pursuing, loving, waiting. And He is so happy you came back, He will spend the rest of eternity quieting you with His love and rejoicing over you with singing. He is so excited to help you discover the life He had planned for you from the beginning of time; the life that was in His mind when He was dying; the life He loves.

Your past does not matter. Your future rests in His hands. And right here, right now, you are crazily loved.

"And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge -- that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God."

Ephemeral Insignificance

"The meek man cares not at all who is greater than he, for he has long ago decided that the esteem of the world is not worth his effort." ~A.W. Tozer

"Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross daily and follow me. For whoever wants to save their life will lose it, but whoever loses their life for my sake will save it." ~Luke 9:23-24

Christianity -- real, hardcore, discipleship Christianity -- is not for the faint of heart. We are called to die daily; to take up our crosses; and follow hard after a worthy Christ. No wonder Jesus' message wasn't all that popular.

So many times, the same people who beautifully want to be blessings have, hidden in the back of their minds, a desire to be recognized. We are content with suffering for Christ's sake, content with putting our own needs aside to meet the needs of others, and with "forsaking all" as long as we are commended by the world. We say, "Oh, look at me! I'm so selfless!" And then we are slightly offended when no one comments on and compliments that "selflessness."

I can't imagine that Jesus is okay with that. I'm not saying that when people thank or compliment us we should shudder and run away, exclaiming, "No! I'm not worthy! Look not upon me!" I'm saying we should live with absolutely no expectation of ever being thanked. We should die daily, waste our lives, spend ourselves, and never expect to be noticed. Thanks should be superfluous; appreciated, met with a gracious smile, but never expected or needed.

We have been given so much. Do you realize that? The "poor" in our country are, for the most part, far richer than the destitute halfway around the world. We are free to worship our beautiful God, while others must live in fear of rejection or even punishment if they are discovered to worship the Almighty. Not only do we have the Bible in our own language, we have over four hundred and fifty versions -- while millions of people have not even a single word of God's love letter to them in their own language.

And yet a large percentage of American teenagers declare that their primary ambition in life is to be famous. Jesus' blood is sufficient to save the entire world; and yet "how can they call on the one they have not believed in? And how can they believe in the one of whom they have not heard? And how can they hear without someone preaching to them? And how can anyone preach unless they are sent?" And how can we be sent unless we are willing to be forgotten; to be temporarily insignificant so that even one soul may be eternally snatched back from hell?

In order to live a life of eternal significance, we must be willing to live for the forgotten, and be forgotten. The forgotten may not be halfway around the world for you; they may be as close your own neighborhood, but they're there. And though in a dozen years they may forget your name, they will never forget the Savior you're willing to sacrifice to introduce them to.

"Wasting" our lives does not sound entirely attractive, I know. But Jesus declares that whatever we do for the least of these He places in our lives, we do for Him. When we serve those the world has deemed unimportant, we are the closest we shall ever be to seeing the face of God this side of heaven. By ignoring the world's applause, we are more in tune to the applause of heaven -- applause that is much sweeter and that lasts.

"A servant of God has but one Master. It ill becomes the servant to seek to be rich, and great, and honored in that world where his Lord was poor, and mean, and despised." ~George Mueller

Back to the Decapolis

"In the Kingdom of God, there are those who are great, and those who are...well, they're just not so great."

In the sense of "those who are first shall be last, and those who are last shall be first," this is true. But in another sense, this is a flat-out lie.

One of the many, many miracles that Jesus worked in His time on earth was the healing of a demon-possessed man. This man dwelt in the hills, lived among the tombs. This man was a cutter who harmed himself no matter what people did to prevent him. This man had enough demons in him to possess two thousand pigs when they were cast out. Yes. Two thousand. That's a really super-possessed guy right there.

Obviously, his healing was a huge deal. Not only did his life completely change, but he ruined thousands of ham dinners! Not that anyone back then was eating ham dinners, but still...

Anywho. The point is, that was an astounding thing that Jesus did for this man. This guy has an awesome testimony. He would be a perfect candidate to join Jesus' ministry, follow Him everywhere He goes, and shout, "Hallelujah!" at the opportune moments.

And so, we get the following story: "As Jesus was getting into the boat, the man who had been demon-possessed begged to go with him. Jesus did not let him, but said, 'Go home to your own people and tell them how much the Lord has done for you, and how he has had mercy on you.' So the man went away and began to tell in the Decapolis how much Jesus had done for him. And all the people were amazed."

If anyone would be an amazing missionary, the first to travel to foreign lands and tell about this incredible Man named Jesus, it would be this guy. If anyone would be the perfect thirteenth apostle, it'd be this guy. If anyone should be selected to accompany Jesus on the rest of his ministry, it would be this guy, boldly proclaiming what God had done for him to all who doubted.

But Jesus says, "No. Go home."

At this point, I think I would've broken in saying, "But -- but -- but Jesus!! I want to do amazing, awesome, incredible, impossible things for you! I want to come with you! You've done so much for me, and You just want me to go home? I'm sorry, but that's not quite along the lines of the death-defying ministry I was picturing in my head..."

But Jesus says, "Go home." And the man obediently returns to the Decapolis and proclaims the Name of Jesus there. And guess what? People were amazed. He had an awesome, effective ministry, just by going home.

It is a common misconception that everyone who becomes a Christian, in order to be a real Christian, needs to go into ministry. Needs to move oversees to be a missionary. Needs to adopt seven children from China. Not so. Have you ever considered that it might be your calling to stay home? To support a husband as he works for God's kingdom, to raise children to honor their Heavenly Father? To work at a grocery store and encourage every person who comes through your line?

Absolutely everything you do can be an offering to God. Whether it's washing dishes, serving tables, teaching, or being a biologist -- there are so many opportunities to be a missionary right where you are. Not everyone is called to go to Africa; not everyone was called to be a pastor. Every single person is called to be a missionary, and to be in ministry -- but your mission field might be Anywhere, Pennsylvania. Who knows what incredible plans God has for you whatever He calls you to do?

We hear very little of Andrew in the Bible; but we do hear a great deal about his brother Peter. Peter's the one who gets all the stories, all the letters, all the remembrance. But if it weren't for Andrew, Peter never would have even met Jesus. Andrew was the first to meet Jesus, and was so excited about it that he went and took his brother to meet this remarkable Man.

Are you willing to be an Andrew, whose greatest achievement was bringing someone else to be great for Christ? Are you willing to recognize that your life can have a ripple effect, with results that you might not ever see? Are you willing to understand that every task that seems mundane can be an offering, and can have impact of eternal significance?

You are important. Your Father in heaven has amazing plans for you. They may not seem like much -- but just wait until heaven, when you get to hear Him say, "Well done, good and faithful servant! You have been faithful with a few things; I will put you in charge of many things. Come and share in your Master's happiness!"

Only Me When I'm With You

Why are you looking for love? Why are you still searching as if I'm not enough?


About a week into my first "relationship," I attended a birthday party. The people at this birthday party were dear friends, people who bring out the best in me, people I absolutely love. Two weeks previously, I would have had the time of my life at this party. But I sat around and moped until I felt sick -- all because the all-important him was not there. It was a Saturday. I would see him again on Monday. Yes. A grand total of two days apart. How dreadful.

I think that's pretty ridiculous, sad, immature, and silly... And no, I don't have any qualms about calling myself that. Because that's what I was. I was the definition of teen angst, of the "ridiculous" that Jane Austen so often mocks, and of one of the greatest problems with dating relationships today.

Two individuals, while they are single, can be just that -- individual and single. They know precisely who they are. They have particular friendships, beliefs, activities, etc. And then these two individuals meet, fall in "like," and *POOF!* There goes individual identity. Suddenly they have no idea who they are when the other person isn't with them. (Even worse, there are the scenarios in which somebody never understands who he or she is as an individual, and is constantly looking to another person to give them identity.)

I understand completely why parties -- especially parties with most of the people I know -- would be very depressing if you didn't have your boyfriend or girlfriend with you. I'm not condemning missing someone. I'm condemning a much bigger problem. Obviously, God created us to enjoy each other's company, and it's perfectly natural to feel a little down when we miss out on the company of someone we love. But we cannot get to the point where it is nigh impossible to have fun without that person at our side -- so long as that person is, well, a person.

Psalm 16:11 declares, "You will make known to me the path of life; in Your presence is fullness of joy; in Your right hand there are pleasures forever." This verse is incredibly clear: God's presence brings about full, complete joy. It's not, "There is fullness of joy as long as I have God and my boyfriend." No. It's just God. Just His presence.

I am fully convinced that if we truly allow God to write our love story, He will not give us that love story until we don't need it anymore. He will not allow us to give our hearts away to someone else until they are completely in His hands. He will not allow us to glorify Him hand-in-hand with a husband or wife until we have learned to glorify Him on our own. Until we have come to a point of being completely willing -- even delighted -- to be single, He will not purposely distract us from pursuing Him more by beginning to write our love story right then and there.

Until we've fallen head over heels in love with Jesus, we should not fall in love with anyone else. Because let's face it -- they won't always be there. They won't be able to satisfy every single desire we have. They will mess up and disappoint us. But Jesus Christ will always be there. He can satisfy our every need. He will never mess up. We cannot love people properly; we cannot have reasonable expectations of someone else, until all of our needs have been met by God.

Because at the end of all things, we should know exactly who we are without our boyfriend, girlfriend, husband, or wife, because they might one day be demanded of us. But we should not know who we are without Jesus Christ. A day without Him should be impossible. Living apart from Him for even a single breath should break our hearts.

Is Jesus enough to satisfy, even if our earthly desires are never met? He says He is. And it all comes down to trusting that He is, and allowing Him to strip away everything until we are completely satisfied by Him and Him alone. Only when our love story with Him is complete can He give us an earthly love story. And I promise, it will be so, so much more beautiful.

Life On the Water

Follow Me.

It is the greatest command we can receive. It is the most beautiful journey, the most awesome adventure, the most rewarding pursuit. It is also the most terrifying.

Have you ever thought about where God might call you in your life? Sure, you have your future all planned out in your mind. You might even think that God is the One who designed those dreams and gave them to you. And He probably did.

But what if He said, "Alright, Beloved. Those beautiful dreams that I gave you; the incredible plans; the amazing future that you've pictured for so long now; I want you to give them up. And I don't just mean giving Me permission to take them away; I mean I'm taking them away, right here, right now, and I'm changing the entire course of your life."

What if He did that?

As soon as we make the commitment to follow Christ, we must be willing to say with Peter, "Lord, if it's You, tell me to come to You on the water."

And instead of saying, "Nah, it's okay. I think you should keep your boring, mediocre, just-okay life. I'll be to your boat in just a second," more often than not, He will stretch out His hand and say, "Come."

At that moment, we learn the incredible amount of faith that is required to keep our mind off the waves and keep us living on top of the water. At that moment, we realize how essential it is to keep our eyes on Jesus and off of the wind. At that moment, we truly begin to live.

If we would truly experience Christ as He was meant to be experienced, we must step out on the water. It requires an immense amount of trust. It requires that we say, "Lord, I'm kinda helpless right now. I can't swim, and if I go under, You're the only One who can pull me out. So here I am. My life is completely in Your hands." The experience is at once terrifying and exhilarating.

So look around. What is it that's keeping you from stepping out on the water? Can you believe that your Jesus loves you so much that He will never let you slip under the surface? When we lose faith, when we take our eyes off Him and fall, He doesn't stand there, shake His head, and let us flounder for a while so that we get the picture. No, it says, "Immediately, Jesus reached out His hand and caught him." Your Savior is waiting right there to catch you. He knows the plans He has for you. He's holding your hand. He's waiting with joyous anticipation for you to discover the future He has for you.

He wants you to know the rush of stepping out in faith and walking on the water because of it. And if you step out, He will never, ever let you fall.

Overflow 101

Allow me to tell you a little something about overflow.

You have to be full before you can overflow.

In fact, you have to be full to, well, overflowing.

Makes sense, huh?

I know so many people -- including myself -- who want to be "a blessing." And I love that. I think it's wonderful. It's beautiful, and it's Christlike. But please hear this:

You cannot be a blessing if you are not full to overflowing with Jesus Christ.

So often, we try to give and give and give of our own strength. And very soon, we're exhausted. We have nothing left to give, and now we're neither a blessing, nor happy. We're just done.

But if we take all of that love that we try to give to other people, and give it to God instead -- He fills. And fills. And fills. And keeps filling, until we spill over continually.

That's when we become blessings. Our storehouses cannot be emptied, not in a thousand years. Our hearts cannot cease to spill over with the love of Christ, for His love never ends. For example, I do not sit in front of my computer and think, "What would be something inspiring to post as my status?" On the contrary, Jesus Christ astounds me and inspires me, and my natural response is to praise His greatness. I'm not inspirational. My Lord is.

Many people say, "You have to take care of yourself before you can take care of other people." And to a certain extent, I accept that. You have to be bubbling over with Jesus-love before you can give lasting, meaningful Jesus-love to other people. But once you're overflowing, then I say never look at yourself again. You can be so satisfied in Jesus Christ that you won't need to look at yourself.

But if all of a sudden you realize that you've taken your eyes off Jesus and have started trying to give from your own resources, take a step back and refocus your gaze. Don't try to give your own love; Jesus is the only one worthy of every ounce of all you have to offer.

Dear You

So, I've gotten several responses regarding the fact that I write my future husband letters. And I've had at least six people ask me how in the world you start. So, although this is not the "first letter" I've written to my husband, it is a "first letter" that somehow didn't make it into my happy notebook of wonder and love. This one is not going to my husband, so I thought I'd post it here for all of you to see an example. Obviously this is not the only way it can be done, so don't feel inclined to copy me!!

Dear You,

So, hi. I'm your wife. Nice to meet you.

I'm quite in love with you. Do you know that? Let me tell you a bit about what you are. You're head-over-heels in love with Jesus Christ. You care for other people more than you care for yourself. You're going to be a great daddy. You respect me. You like my family. My family likes you. You're my very bestest friend, next to Jesus. And I have a whole list of things you are down in a box in my room. I take it out every once in a while and remind myself that you are a person very worth waiting for.

So who are you? Do I know your name already? Are you on the other side of the world, or are you right across town? Have we walked the same halls, or have our feet never touched the same ground?

I don't know. But I will one day. I am so very excited for that day.

Now let me tell you a bit about who I am right now.

I'm seventeen years old. I'm crazy in love with Jesus Christ. You see, the thing is, I'm in love with you, but you're not the center of my life. As wonderful as you are, I know you'll mess up. I'm quite aware of that. So I have decided not to make you the foundation of my happiness. My eternal, perfect Prince is the one who determines my happiness. I hope that takes lots and lots of pressure off of you. And I hope it also leads you to find total fulfillment in Christ, so that you can take the pressure off of me -- believe me, I know I will mess up!

I've made a commitment to you, and to God. I've promised my Creator and the Author of our love story that this story will only exist if it will bring Him more glory -- if we can work for His Kingdom better hand-in-hand than on our own. And I've promised you that I'm waiting, no matter how long, no matter how hard, until Jesus gives you my entire heart. These promises have not always been easy to keep. But thanks to a God who makes all things new, He's taken my mistakes and made them into some of my most beautiful lessons. And through it all, He's held my heart.

And that's really what this letter is all about -- the God who's held my heart. He's the One who's brought us this far, and He's the only One who will be able to keep us together and continue to script a beautiful love story long after "I do." He's the only One who makes it possible for me to offer you the untainted gift of my heart, despite all my mistakes. He's the only One -- well, He's just the only One, isn't He?

So tonight, I pray that you're learning to surrender your heart completely to the God who loves you better than I do. I pray for your safety, I pray for your family, I pray for everything about you, that it would all be lost and swallowed up in the magnificent heart of Jesus Christ.

Waiting,
~Kendall

The Elephant Bag

I Googled the word "stress" to try and find an awesome "I'm-going-out-of-my-mind-because-I-have-so-much-to-do" definition. I only found one: "a state of mental or emotional strain or suspense." The rest went something like this: "to stress, single out as important; special emphasis attached to something; a melodic rock band formed in San Diego in 1983."

By the world's standards, I should be stressed. All-State Choir auditions, Nurse Aide certification testing, driver's test (after I've already failed once), grades in some areas dropping for no apparent reason, Nietzsche, an annoying stomach and my omnipresent perfectionism should not a happy Senior Year make.

Usually.

But while I do freak out a lot; while I will occasionally walk down the hall making high-pitched buzzing noises to dispel anxiety; while I do have to have a weekly cry-fest so that all my emotions don't explode later on; I'm quite happy. I don't feel stressed. Those reactions are usually spur of the moment before I've had time to do that very important thing that helps me remove stress and put it on God (in Google's terms, "single Him out as important"). Doing this thing is very relieving. It helps me slow down, put into words exactly what I'm feeling, and let it go.

I go to the Elephant Bag.

The Elephant Bag is a little pastel-colored baby gift bag that sits on my desk. It's medium sized, lined with colorful tissue paper, and has a stack of sticky-notes and a pen sitting next to it. Inside the elephant bag are dozens of folded up blue sticky notes. I don't reach back inside that bag. What goes in there, stays in there. (Until it gets full. I haven't quite decided what to do when that happens.)

Whenever something in my life goes horribly wrong; whenever things don't go my way; whenever I'm asked to give something up; whenever I'm anxious about something; I write down the date on a blue sticky note, write something to the effect of "this is what's going on; I give it to You," fold it up, and put it in the Elephant Bag. That bag is for Jesus. It has many declarations of the surrender of many parts of my life.

Simply writing it down doesn't do much. And I'm not saying that all my problems have been solved by a pastel gift bag with a baby elephant on it. But writing those things down, and handing them over, usually leads me to a time of sitting quietly before my God and really letting Him fill up the empty parts of my life.

I'm not always good at "leaving things" in the Elephant Bag. While the sticky notes stay there, the things I've surrendered don't always stay in Jesus hands. (This is perfectly evidenced by the multiple sticky notes proclaiming, "Jesus, I give you [insert name of person here]" that have gone in there probably at least once a week...) But the more we practice surrender, the better we get at it -- because we learn to be filled with Someone better.

"Cast all your anxiety on him because He cares for you." He means that. He wants us to take everything that causes us distress, anxiety, stress, and throw it onto His shoulders. Then our arms are free to reach up to Him in a silent plea of, "Daddy, let me hug You."

Maybe an elephant bag won't work for you. But I know casting your cares will. Discover the way you need to meet with God in order to give Him all your troubles. He loves you. He wants to hear about it. And He wants to take care of it. But first, you have to hand it over. Put it in your Elephant Bag; and leave it there.

[Note: This is not an original idea. It was taken from the novel "Redeeming Love" by Francine Rivers, in which one of the characters uses a hatbox to collect all her prayers. I personally think an elephant bag is cuter than a hat box. But that might just be me.]

A Dance With Jesus

Last night was my high school's Homecoming dance. It was an emotionally exhausting evening in many ways; but I loved it. And I'm about to tell you one of the reasons.

I don't usually worry about whether or not I'm asked to dance. I dance some, I sit others out, others I dance with my friends, but it typically all averages out nicely. However, at one point last night, I was aching for a dance. So I sat down and danced with Jesus.

Sound like an oxymoron? So is Jesus' love. I sat on a bench, accepted Jesus' gentle invitation to take His hand, and waltzed through the other couples -- all while never leaving my seat. As my eyes rested on the people on the dance floor -- some I know well and love, others I've only just met -- I talked to Jesus about them. I prayed for them as individuals; for them in relation to me, in relation to the person they were dancing with, and in relation to Jesus. For some, I prayed renewed passion. I prayed peace over others. I prayed truth over the lies being spoken to some. There were those I simply praised Him for. Others, I just said, "Jesus, I have no idea what to pray for that person or even what their name is, but please work in them!"

I cried quite a few times last night for various reasons. Most of the time, people assumed there was something wrong. And most of the time, there was. I was selfishly crying for myself. But there was one point during the night when my tears were justified; and that was during my dance with Jesus. I wept for others. He stepped in and broke my heart for the things that break His. He stepped in and reminded me, "This is not about you. This is about Me. I'm holding your heart; now pray for those who haven't yet learned to give Me the pieces." And then He gently added, "And never forget that I love dancing with you, because you are so, so precious to Me."

So this is to tell all of you beautiful girls (and handsome guys) that when there's no one to dance with, Jesus steps out and says, "I want your entire life to be a dance with Me; but let's just start with this song." Your dance with Jesus may look entirely different from mine. Maybe He'll take that entire time to remind you how absolutely beautiful you are. Maybe there will be one specific person you need to talk about while dancing. Maybe it's time to close your eyes, and trust Him to lead you. Whatever it is, He'll wait there with outstretched hands.

And so the phrase, "Dance with God; He'll let the perfect man cut in" can come true; very, very literally. =)

To Save A Life

You cannot save a life.

Now, there is the very literal running in and diving in front of a bullet before it hits someone else kind of saving a life, but that's not what I'm talking about.

You cannot save a life.

In the under-read and under-appreciated book of Ezekiel, the Lord leads Ezekiel into a valley of dry bones and asks him, "Son of man, can these bones live?"

What does Ezekiel say? Does he hop around, waving his hand in the air shouting, "Pick me! Pick me!"

"Yes, Ezekiel."

Ezekiel clears his throat and says importantly, "Yes, and I'm going to be the one to bring them back to life!"

No. That's not what Ezekiel says. He looks around at this valley of dry bones, shakes his head, and says humbly, "O Sovereign Lord, You alone know."

After Ezekiel admits that only God knows whether this is possible -- then the Lord uses him. He says, "Prophesy to these bones and say to them, 'Dry bones, hear the word of the Lord! This is what the Sovereign Lord says to these bones: I will make breath enter you, and you will come to life. I will attach tendons to you and make flesh come upon you and cover you with skin; I will put breath in you, and you will come to life. Then you will know that I am the Lord.'"

Notice something about that last passage. Who's doing the talking? Ezekiel is the one speaking to the bones...but it's God who's putting the words in his mouth. It's God who's fulfilling what He is commanding Ezekiel to prophesy. It's God who's bringing the dead back to life. Ezekiel's only response is, "So I prophesied as I was commanded."

What we need to realize is that we are the hands and feet of Christ. We are the mouthpieces. We are the hugs, the tissue-providers, the audible encouragers, the back-rubbers, the loving note writers. We are, in a sense, the prophets of Jesus Christ. But we are not Jesus Christ. All the hugs and tissues and loving notes in the world are not going to change someone. They're not going to save a life. Jesus Christ working through you is.

Does this mean we should pack up our bags and never try to change someone's life again? Absolutely not. We are to do as Ezekiel did and be able to say, "So I prophesied as I was commanded." Just as you cannot save a life without Jesus working through you, Jesus desires a vessel through which to work.

This should not be a distressing thought, that you are incapable of saving a life. It's out of your hands. It is up to God, and in His hands, this person you care so much about is entirely, completely, wonderfully safe. Do not refuse the call to be the hands and feet; but also do not believe that you, on your own, are solely responsible for redeeming a soul. Follow in the footsteps of Ezekiel, who said, "The hand of the Lord was upon me"; and only then were lives changed and the dead brought back to life.

Fireflies

"Jesus Christ did not say, 'Go into all the world and tell the world that it is quite right.'" ~C.S. Lewis

The call to abandon all, to become a "nobody," and to die to self is not a very popular call these days. We'd rather keep all those things we love. We'd rather be a "somebody." We'd rather have our own desires.

We'd rather have this world than Jesus.

Let me tell you about a time in my life when I had to give up two very important things/people that Jesus called me to put on the altar...

Actually, I can't, because this story doesn't just involve me. But let me see if I can put it in the abstract for you.

Jesus said, "Any of you who does not give up everything he has cannot be My disciple" (Luke 14:33). But oh, I say, Jesus, isn't that a little harsh? I mean, I'll give You some of this stuff in my life. But everything? I don't even think I know about everything that's in my life!

But that's what He said. He also said, "If anyone comes to me and does not hate his father and mother, his wife and children, his brothers and sisters -- yes, even his own life -- he cannot be my disciple" (Luke 14:26).

Oh! I protest. That doesn't sound like Jesus at all! Didn't He say we should love each other? Ah-ha! Jesus is wrong! This means I don't have to do that...right?

Wrong. Of course, He did not mean that we should all start yelling at each other and despising the people He's put in our lives. But in comparison to our love for Him, our love for the things of this world should look like hate. There should be a huge difference between our love for Him and our love for the blessings He pours over us. Think about it like the difference between the love you have for ice cream, and the love a husband and wife have for each other. Hopefully, there's quite a contrast there.

The things we are given in this world can oftentimes be good! Friendships, goals, dreams, relationships. But God did not ask Abraham to put a despised son on the altar; He requested "your son, your only son Isaac, whom you love." He asks that even our good desires; our good dreams; our good relationships; be offered on the altar. He asks for a declaration that He is more important; that if something else is claiming our attention above Him, we give it up immediately.

The problem is, when we put things on the altar, we oftentimes expect to get them back. "I'll give You my hope of a love story, and then You can give it back. Deal? Deal." And I've put a lot of friendships and dreams on the altar that He has, indeed, been faithful to refine and then restore. But there are other things I put on the altar that I am never given back. Things, people, dreams, that I love, and that are good; but are consuming too much of my life. They are lovers that are taking the place of my First Love, and He gently asks me to give them up without ever expecting to get them back.

But in all honesty, though these are the most painful sacrifices, they can also be some of the most beautiful. The larger the offering loomed in our heart, the larger the hole when it is gone; and the more of God we receive in return. When He takes away, He will never leave you empty. He will fill you with Himself, if you will just ask and seek.

You may live your entire life a Christian without ever truly experiencing Christ. And you can stay that way. You can remain complacent, as a Christian but never a disciple. But if you would experience the fullness of joy in God's presence, go; sell all you have; and follow Him. He will not disappoint.

(Oh, and what in the world does the title have to do with this post, you may ask? Some of you already know. The rest of you probably don't need to.)

As the Deer

I had a hard week. Everything that God has taught me this summer, all the ways He's satisfied me, have been tested. Is He really enough? Do you really think He wants the best for you? Is this truly what He's asking of you? Doesn't He want you to have fun?

So, I'm kinda writing this post with nothing to say as of beginning it. I just need -- I need -- to write about my great God and remind myself of who He is, of what He's done, of His mighty ability to save.

"As the deer pants for streams of water, so my soul pants for you, O God," writes the Psalmist. A nice concept. But I don't always pant for God. I pant for God, and something else. Then it becomes panting for something else, and God. And then, God is just in the background, a pretty little idea I once new, and the something else has become my primary desire.

Here's the funny thing, though: Panting after God satisfies. Asking Him to fill results in fulfillment. Panting after something else -- well, that just leads to more panting. And pretty soon our tongue gets dry and swallowing becomes uncomfortable...

Anywho. I know, from personal experience, that my God satisfies. Every time. And I also know that the other things I pant after might satisfy temporarily, but eventually leave me longing for something greater.

Here's the other funny thing. When we long for God, and He satisfies us, we still long for more. We are satisfied -- and yet we desire to be satisfied ever more deeply. The more He fills us, and the more we beg for more, the deeper His love and grace in our life penetrates.

Scripture calls God a "God who knows." He knows where you've been, He knows where you are, but what He actually cares about is whether or not you believe that He's by your side. I know He's by my side. I may not always see it, but whose fault is that? I know it's not His; He's still there. Will you dare to believe that He's still there, that He still aches to fill you, and that He will satisfy you more and more?

Well, this accomplished my goal... I love Jesus! So much! And He loves you!

My Lover, My Friend

You are reading the musings of a die-hard romantic. I am positively in love with love. Romance is the key ingredient of any story. If you had asked me about two months ago if I was called to be single, I would have laughed in your face, then gone home and thought about how ridiculous you were to assume that God would plan something like that for me. In my opinion, singleness was just not an option for my life. I love love too much.

Loving love has gotten me into some trouble...but that's not my point here. My point is to tell you about the ultimate Lover, the One who satisfies even when hope of an earthly romance fades away.

After obeying God's call to give up any semblance of romance in my life that was coming from a source other than Him, I thought for a long time that it was unfair. Most of my other friends had no moral problem with dating. I tried to convince myself that I had gone overboard. I had misunderstood God's call, that was all. After all, He wants me to be happy, doesn't He? But I couldn't escape the whisper upon my heart, Beloved, this is not what I have for you right now. Come close and let Me show you what I want for this season of your life.

"But God," I pleaded, "What You want's not what I want."

That's exactly My point, Beloved. Let Me give you My dreams. Let Me shape your desires. Let Me turn your world upside down.

Along this journey, I encountered some beautiful treasures in Scripture. I spent a lot of time in Hosea and Song of Songs, and discovered the nature of my Lover. Song of Songs 5:16 declares, "His mouth is sweetness itself; he is altogether lovely. This is my lover, this is my friend, O daughters of Jerusalem." This was the part of Himself that God wanted to reveal to me. This was the thing I had been missing, the thing He called me away to discover.

This is not an easy journey. It's not quite the definition of "fun." God will often call us away from the things that are distracting us, as He did for me. He will almost always call us to give up something so that He can prove that He is more than enough to fill. But the love that we discover is well worth it. The Beloved of Song of Songs describes it: "Place me like a seal over your heart, like a seal on your arm; for love is as strong as death, its ardor unyielding as the grave. It burns like blazing fire, like a mighty flame. Many waters cannot quench love; rivers cannot wash it away."

We must be willing to surrender, and give up whatever it is that keeps us from discovering the true nature of our God. For me, it was romance and all my hopes and dreams of ever marrying. God had a heyday with that one. I don't know what it is in your life; but are you willing to be stripped down, to give up everything you know so that you can discover the joy that Jesus wants to show you?

Hosea 2:14 says, "Therefore I am now going to allure her; I will lead her into the desert and speak tenderly to her." Before He can win us, before He can capture our hearts, He must lead us out into the desert. He must take us through the wasteland before we will be able to see the beauty of what waits on the other side. Take His hand, walk into the desert with Him, and there give Him everything. He will become your Lover; He will become your Friend. Pour out everything at His feet, and He will fill you beyond what you ever thought possible.

Battle Cry

I really love spiritual warfare.

Now, that comment can easily be misunderstood. I do not sit around dwelling on this topic. I do not love the fact that Satan has power on the earth. I do not sit around calling up demons so that I can fight them.

I love fighting. With every word I say and everything I do, I fight for the Kingdom of God. Not by dwelling on the reality of Satan or his minions; but by dwelling on the beauty and power of Christ. That, in and of itself, is spiritual warfare. Every time I open my mouth to praise Him, every time you open your mouth to praise Him, Satan is silenced. Psalm 8:2 says, "From the lips of children and infants you have ordained praise because of your enemies, to silence the foe and the avenger." Because I want to live my life to be a worshiper, my entire life is a battle cry.

So what exactly does a battle-cry-life look like? The first part is what I mentioned above: A life of worship is the life of a warrior. Spiritual warfare does not cease when we step outside our church doors. We cannot leave our heart of worship in the sanctuary. We are told to live as though working for God, not for man. Doing everything with a heart unto the Lord, keeping our eyes and mind focused on Him, is one of the best ways that we can combat our enemy.

The second part of living this life is recognizing Satan's lies in your life (putting on the belt of truth). In Hosea, God proclaimed, "My people perish from lack of knowledge." The lies that are breathed into our lives must constantly be replaced by God's truth. This requires being continually in the Word of God, understanding who He is and what He says -- and then believing that He is who He says He is, and will do what He says He will do (shield of faith).

We are also told not to give the devil a foothold by embracing things such as anger, bitterness, revenge, etc (putting on the breastplate of righteousness). A heart fully surrendered to Christ and striving to be more like His will, of course, be under more attack, because it is more of a threat -- but it will be helped.

We are also commanded to have our feet fitted with the gospel of peace, and to take up the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit. One of the most effective ways to combat Satan's army is to spread the Word of God. To be His missionaries, both in our hometown and around the world. Revelation 12:11 says, "They overcame him by the blood of the Lamb and by the word of their testimony." Our testimony, and our identity in Christ, are a battle cry and a weapon all in one. Use them.

Finally, Ephesians 6 tells us to "pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests." Satan cannot stand a vibrant prayer life. Don't just pray in your head -- remember, Satan can't hear your thoughts! I write my prayers. You can speak them out loud. Pray scripture. Whatever you do, just pray.

And always remember that "you, dear children, are from God and have overcome them, because the one who is in you is greater than the one who is in the world" (1 John4:4). Our victory is already secured. Do not dwell on these things, but also do not be afraid of them. Proclaim the word of God boldly. Live a life of worship. Recall that you are a citizen of heaven, sealed in Christ. And fight.

"Therefore rejoice, you heavens and you who dwell in them! But woe to the earth and the sea, because the devil has gone down to you! He is filled with fury, because he knows that his time is short." ~Revelation 12:12

Costly Obedience

When Jesus heard this, he said to him, "You still lack one thing. Sell everything you have and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven. Then come, follow me." ~Luke 18:22

I've been learning what it means to obey God, even when it hurts.

David was once commanded by God to build an altar on a piece of land that belonged to a man named Araunah. When Araunah heard why David wanted to purchase his land, he offered it to the king for free. But David responded, "No, I insist on paying you for it. I will not sacrifice to the Lord my God burnt offerings that cost me nothing" (2 Samuel 24:24).

So many times in our lives, we offer to God burnt offerings that cost us nothing. "Two dollars to that homeless guy? Sure! This box of crayons to a little orphan girl in Ukraine? I'd love to! This strange-looking fern that my grandmother gave me for my birthday? Oh, Lord, I would love to give you that!" And we walk away feeling so good about ourselves, because we've done something for God.

And then He comes after the important things in our life. The things we believe are essential. "But if I do that, Lord, I may lose my dream of that beautiful house in Colorado with the white picket fence and the perfect husband. If I stand up and obey You in this area, God, I might lose that friendship. Jesus, if I give my life in obedience to You, You might take it from me."

We serve a God who demands all. Not just the things we feel like giving up. Everything. From your fern to your heart, He wants it all. And you can be assured that when you make a commitment to come after Him, He will demand obedience that will cost you something.

Isaiah 58:10 says that what is pleasing to God is to "spend yourselves in behalf of the hungry." Not to keep your life to yourself. Not to ignore God's call and stay comfortably at home, hoarding your money, your time, and your life. No, we are to spend ourselves. To give up everything for the least of these that God places around us, and in so doing, to know His face.

And so you don't have to be depressed that you're giving up your life. It is not drudgery, though it may feel like it for a while. Costly obedience is repaid tenfold. We have the pleasure, the joy of following in the footsteps of Christ, who gave up all for the sake of others. The least we can do is give up all for Him. And when we spend ourselves, He promises, "Then your light will break forth like the dawn, and your healing will quickly appear; then your righteousness will go before you, and the glory of the Lord will be your rear guard. Then you will call, and the Lord will answer; you will cry for help, and He will say: Here am I" (Isaiah 58:8-9).

But first we must obey. Without sacrifice, there can be no return. Without passionate love for Jesus Christ, we will never bring ourselves to give up our all. And without spending our lives, we will lose more than we ever thought possible.

Behind His Back

For my tenth birthday, my mom redecorated my room. She bought me a beautiful canopy, a new lamp, and an adorable fairy bedspread and sheets. Unfortunately, when she went to put on the new sheets and comforter, they didn't fit. The label that stated "Full/Queen" only fit a full-sized bed. So she returned my fairy bed fixings and went on a hunt for more.

She spent hours looking for the perfect bedspread and sheets. She never found little girl ones that would fit. She told me that she cried at the cashier, saying all she wanted to do was make my birthday special.

Well, eventually my mommy and I went out shopping together for my bed. We picked out a quilt that was far from little-girl, like she and I had both wanted. But it's still on my bed today. I love that quilt.

But every once in a while, I would feel horrible. I would think, "If it hadn't been for me, my mommy wouldn't have cried that day." I felt awful that she had gone to so much trouble for me. I would trace my finger over the embroidered flowers on my quilt and match tear-for-tear the tears my sweet mommy had cried.

About two months ago, I reminded her of her hunt for my perfect bedspread and confessed that I felt dreadful about it. She blinked. "What in the world are you talking about?"

I stared at her. "You mean you don't remember that?"

"I remember that we got you that new quilt, but I haven't thought about that in years. You mean you've been feeling bad about that all this time?"

Well.

How often do we do that with God? We sit around feeling horrible about a sin that we know He's already forgiven, and we feel so bad that we made Him sad. We agonize over our decisions. We drag up things we've already given to God.

I think when we do that, He just blinks. "You mean you've been feeling bad about that all this time? I haven't thought about that in years. Why in the world are you bringing it up now?"

Do we really believe that He's removed our sins from us as far as the east is from the west? I like to claim that I do. But if I really believe that, why do I drudge up the past so often?

Isaiah 38:17 says, "In Your love You kept me from the pit of destruction; You have put all my sins behind Your back." Does God "forget" our sins, as people commonly say? I don't think so. That's crazy to come to an omniscient God and say, "So, do You remember that horrible thing that I did on April 12, 2010?" and expect Him to scratch His head and reply, "April 12? Gosh, I think that day might be erased from My infinite memory... This is perplexing." No. I don't think He forgets in the way that we forget things. But He forgives. And He puts our sins behind His back, never to think about them again.

But we like to run behind His back, pick them up, and stick them in His face again. "See? Isn't that horrible what I did? Oh, You must hate me now..."

"Um, didn't I already deal with this one?"

"Well, yeah, but I thought You might have forgotten something the first time You forgave me. Or maybe You weren't paying attention and didn't really mean that You still love me. I mean, look at this! Obviously You missed this part right here. This is truly unforgivable. This part is too big for even You to forgive. I mean, seriously, there has to be a limit to what Jesus' sacrifice can cover, and if there is, this is it! I'm the unforgivable one! You found me! Oh, woe is me!"

Why in the world do we try to convince God not to forgive us?

Hand it over to God. Leave it there. And trust that He has covered your sins. We yank our sins back from God's hands and feel guilty about them all over again because of a lack of faith in the cleansing blood of Jesus Christ. Think about it: Who are you to think that you're the one special person in the universe whose sins God can't put behind His back?

Just One Second

Give me Your eyes for just one second
Give me Your eyes so I can see
Everything that I've been missing
Give me Your love for humanity
Give me Your arms for the brokenhearted
Ones that are far beyond my reach
Give me a heart for the ones forgotten
Give me Your eyes so I can see

Okay, I'm not really a huge fan of that song. But for some reason, even though I change the channel every time I hear it, and so have not heard it in its entirety in months, I found the chorus running through my head over and over while sitting in the airport on my way to Las Vegas. I quickly replaced it with a song I liked more, and didn't think much about it.

Being in Las Vegas for four days, including an evening on the strip, I saw a lot of things. A lot of ads I wish I'd never seen, a lot of pictures I could've done without, a lot of sad, confused people wandering around looking for significance in places they will never find it. And it did burden me...but my heart never broke for these people. I don't know why. But while it made me sad, it never made me think, "Ah! This is how God feels about these people!"

On the flight home, sitting looking out the window, the song started going through my head again. I realized how huge this world is...yet so small in comparison. And how God has a unique, beautiful plan for everyone who was down below me, and aches for them to discover it. I wondered if this was how He feels, looking down from above and knowing that so many people have yet to encounter Him in a powerful way...because nobody will tell them. Lord, I prayed, give me Your eyes. Give me Your eyes, even for just one second.

As I prayed fervently to know the heartbeat of heaven, the call on my heart was so clear: Go. Tell them. Show them. Serve them. Love them. That's a recurring call for me. I have too much joy, too much love from Jesus to not share it. Occasionally, I get these random urges to run out into downtown, grab somebody, and tell them, "OhmygoodnessJesuslovesyousooooomuchandyoushouldloveHimtoo!" but I doubt that often works... Anywho, as I prayed, God gently showed me, You already love Me. Now can you love the ones I love?

So I continued to pray for passionate love for the lost and broken people around me. For the ones who think they're happy...but have yet to experience true joy. For people who have come to the end of their rope, and are ready to hear about the amazing love that is offered so freely.

Caught up in the excitement of telling my dad about my trip to Vegas on the drive home, I forgot this prayer. I forgot that I had asked to see through heaven's eyes, to feel my heart break, to have my eyes fill with the tears of Christ. However, as my parents were discussing something unrelated to me, my eyes drifted to the side of the road just in time to see a young man sit down on the sidewalk, pull his knees up to his chest, and bury his head in his hands.

In that split second, my heart broke. I could almost feel my hand reaching out to him as our car flew past. An overwhelming desire to turn around, sit down beside him, and ask him his story filled my heart. All I could do was pray as I thought about how defeated, how lonely, how broken he looked. And I knew -- I had been given what I asked for. I'd seen through God's eyes for just one second. In my four days in Las Vegas, my heart had never cried out against sin and despair as much as it did in that moment. And I knew, beyond a shadow of a doubt, I have to tell them. There are so many people -- so many -- who have no idea about the love that Jesus has for them. Or if they do, they don't understand it, they don't believe it, they don't see it, and I have to tell them!

I didn't know how. Still don't. But I have an infinitely faithful God. He's what this life is all about. I can't do anything. I can sit here and write this blog, I can share the Gospel with as many people as I want to, but I will have no effect if God's not at work. He is infinitely trustworthy. And the more I realize that, the more I lose myself. The more I realize how insignificant I am, the more God can do things of eternal significance through me. And the more my heart breaks, the more I know without a doubt that I have to share the amazing, beautiful, fun life I've found in Jesus Christ. I trust that He will take me where I need to go in His time.

If you dare -- if you long to have a calling, if you long to feel heaven's heartbeat sound in your chest -- then ask. Pray for the Lord's eyes for a single moment. Pray for a single second that will change your life and inspire you to go. It is a prayer that He delights to answer.

By the way, that song, the one going through my head in the airport and the airplane: I had to look it up to figure out the exact lyrics of the chorus. It's about a guy discovering God's heart for the broken -- in an airport.