Relinquishing the Pen

I tear the love story I’ve written into shreds and throw them into the fire. Burying my face in my arms, I lie crumpled on the floor, unable to believe I could have let myself get carried away like that. I have hurt not only myself, but also the others involved in the story I have penned for myself.

The Lover of my soul appears, seemingly out of nowhere, and sits beside me while I cry. His arms wrap tightly around me, and His heart lavishes compassion on me. He doesn’t say a word; His presence is enough to soon calm my tears.

I look up at Him. “What did I do wrong?”

His eyes are filled with sadness. His heart is breaking for me; I can tell. I want to go back and erase it all. I want a fresh start. “Beloved, you did not ask of Me.”

I collapse into tears again, ashamed that I have walked away from my truest Friend. He stays beside me, comforting me. He assures me He will not leave me. And then He says the one thing I have been dying to hear.

“I can make it all go away. I can give you a new beginning.”

I look up with hope and dash away the tears. “Do You mean it?”

“I do. All you have to do is give Me that pen, and I’ll start it all over for you.”

I look down at the pen upon which His eyes are resting. I grimace. “Lord, this isn’t just the pen I’ve used to write my love story… It’s what I’ve been using to write my life story.”

“If you would have Me write a beautiful love story, I must have your entire life. But the choice is up to you.”

I gaze into His eyes, so full of love. I know that if I give up the pen, He will write a story beyond what I can even comprehend. But even so, I enjoy the security of my pen. I enjoy having the option of saying “no” to something He suggests. If nothing else, it is entertaining to try out certain plot devices, even if they had never worked out before and likely wouldn’t in the future.

“How about we collaborate?” I suggest hopefully. “I’ll leave the pen on that desk there, and when You want to write something You can, and when I want to write something, I can.”

“The choice is up to you,” He repeats.

I smile, glad that we’ve come to an agreement.

Time passes. I find myself in the middle of another love story. Since I’ve asked my heavenly Lover to collaborate, I’m sure that this time, it will all work out all right.

But it’s not too long before I find myself ripping it to shreds and tossing it in the fire yet again.

“Why didn’t you intervene?” I rage at Him. “I told You we would collaborate. Why didn’t You make it all work out in the end?”

“You began with ideas that were all your own – not Mine. If you had realized this earlier and asked Me to step in, I would have – but you never left the pen. You asked Me to collaborate, but you never even stepped aside and asked My opinion.”

I stare down at the pen. He is right. I had never once abandoned my post as author. Even if I had, all of His time would have been spent cleaning up the mess I had made. There would be no time for new adventures. If we switched off writing, it would be an endless rollercoaster, where I would write myself into a corner, He would write me out of it, and then it would all begin again. There was nothing beautiful about that.

“What do I have to do, then?” I ask.

“You have to give it up. Completely.”

I look down at the pen that has been my best friend and my worst enemy. Can I really leave it all behind? Can I forsake what I want to write into my life? Can I leave it entirely up to Him?

I look at Him. He looks back. He is longing for me to hand the pen over. He has a story in mind. I can see it written all over His face. He wants to write it, to make it all turn out beautifully, to bring it to a glorious ending that’s even better than the fairy tales.

I look at the pen again. I think of the heartache that it has cost me. I think of all the people I’ve hurt by my unskilled writing.

I walk up to my Lover, fall to the ground before Him, and there leave the pen. Never to pick it up again.

Jesus Goggles

"So from now on we regard no one from a worldy point of view..." ~2 Corinthians 5:16

I stared at the woman and willed her to open her mouth. She wouldn't. I gently pushed the spoon against her lips. They would not part. Her eyes stared at me -- I couldn't tell if it was a blank stare, or a malicious one. Either way, it was unsettling me. I shifted in my chair and tried to smile. Jesus, this is ridiculous! I don't have time for this!

"Kendall... Look again. What do you see?"

I looked. I saw a time-worn face; work-worn hands; and sorrow-worn eyes.

"That's My beloved, Kendall."

I blinked and looked again. Her? I knew God loved everybody, and loved them equally. And I also knew that He'd been revealing to me exactly how He felt about me. It was a kind of love I couldn't even begin to comprehend. He passionately longed after me, ached for me to come spend time with me, adored me. I was His beloved, His bride. But that was me. Surely not this woman? Surely He didn't long for her in the same way. Surely His affection for her was comparable to the peck on the cheek that estranged relatives awkwardly exchange at family reunions. Surely time had diminished some of the passion He had for her.

"That's My beloved. How will you treat the one I have called? The one I call holy? The one I call beautiful?"

I took a deep breath. Well, Lord, I can't really help her if she won't let me... So You have to open the mouth of Your beloved!"

"Open yours first."

A smile made its way to my lips as I said, "You have beautiful hair. And that's a wonderful color on you." I put down the spoonful I'd been working at for so long and got a fresh one. "This looks delicious. Would you like to try some?"

Her mouth opened.

The moment you first see Christ's beloved in the face of one person, you begin seeing His prize and His treasure everywhere. He has a story with each of them. He knows everything they've ever been through. Age does not affect His love whatsoever; some of the most poignant examples of Christ's beloved are seen in newborn babies and those about to enter their heavenly home. He is longing after each of them. He treasures them. He smiles and cries with them. All of them.

At times, I protest. "Not him, God. Why in the world would you want him?"

"Him."

And then, if I'm willing, He steps in and gives me "Jesus goggles." He shows me what He sees in these men and women, boys and girls. It never fails to take my breath away.

"Be devoted to one another in brotherly love. Honor one another above yourselves... Share with God's people who are in need. Practice hospitality... Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn." (Romans 12:10, 12, 15)

I firmly believe we would treat people much differently if we always chose to see them as Christ sees them: Worthy. Longed after. Beloved.

May the eyes of our hearts be opened.

Dear Beautiful

Dear Beautiful,

I know what goes on inside that head of yours. I might not know specifics, since we have very different lives, families, experiences. But in general, as a teenage girl in 2011, I know what those thoughts are. They go through my head, too.

You think nothing you do is ever good enough. You're always disappointing someone -- your parents, your friends, maybe just yourself. You don't measure up. You'll never be able to do anything right, or at least right enough to set you apart and get you noticed.

You don't think you're beautiful. It doesn't matter how many people tell you you're gorgeous -- they're your friends, they have to say that. And if one of them actually criticizes you, it hurts more than anything; after all, who would know better than they? Maybe you even make disparaging comments about your appearance so that you can hear other people contradict you. A stranger's compliment means more than anything the people who know you best could ever say. If warned that a guy only liked you for your looks, you might even be delighted. If your looks are enough to attract, without all that "personality" junk, that would mean you're pretty gosh-darn gorgeous! But somehow, not even that affirmation would be enough to convince you of your beauty.

You want a problem. Maybe you don't know it, and maybe your "problem" is genuine. But when the people around you struggle, they get attention. And however subconsciously, you want a problem so that you'll need that help and attention. You feel absolutely horrible for wanting this attention that others desperately need; but somehow, you can't help it. Your "problem" might be as subtle as self-pity over how you are always helping others, and no one even thinks that you might need help.

And all of this can come back to a very human, very feminine need: To be loved. Really, truly loved. We girls want and need it so badly that when the potential of that love occurs, we either throw ourselves into it without a thought, afraid of losing it, or hang back, fearing it's too good to be true.

And naturally, we think this love will come in the form of a guy.

It's only natural that we think this. After all, "Someday my prince will come" has been fed to us since the age of two. Our prince would come, transform us from rags to riches, and we'd live happily ever after. Everything would be solved by this one magical man. So of course, we look for him. We become self-conscious. After all, what if that magical man meets you on a bad hair day when you didn't have time to do your make-up? Would the entire course of history change because your mascara was neglected that morning?

We begin looking in the craziest places for this guy to appear. "Well, he's not exactly what I've pictured... But I can change him! He's cute, and he likes me! How often does that happen? He must be the one!" Or maybe he doesn't even like you in that way...but if you can just become a little prettier, if you can just do a little more to catch his eye, he'll realize what a gem you are...and he'll become "the one."

And all the while, we're silently screaming, "See me. Notice me. Think I'm worth something. Give me a reason to get up in the morning. Love me."

By the time we graduate high school, our hearts are no longer whole. They've been held out to anyone -- everyone -- freely. You hope this gift of your heart will be enough. That someone will accept it. And perhaps it has occasionally been accepted -- and then handed back, battered and bruised, leaving you even less to offer the next passer-by.

Instead of meeting that deepest need of your feminine heart, pursuing a guy's attention has actually made that need deeper. But no matter how many times a crush fails to satisfy you, you somehow still think the answer to all your problems can be solved by a boy.

You know what's coming now. I'm going to tell you that your heart's desire for love and attention cannot be met by a guy. It can only be found in Jesus Christ.

"I know," you say, "I've heard it a million times. But Kendall, I'm sorry, I've tried to let God be enough. And He's not."

Maybe you wouldn't put it that bluntly. But admit it: At some point in your life, the "Jesus thing" didn't work for you. You tried seeking Jesus, but that wasn't enough. God's love was not enough. I mean, think about it: He loves everyone. He thinks you're beautiful, but He made you; He has to think that. He can love you across time and space, but He can't reach out and tangibly take your hand or give you a hug. It's almost...commonplace. Not special.

Not enough. You need God...and something else.

May I suggest something? It's not comfortable. It's not nice. It's not what you want to hear.

You don't have room for God.

I've tried seeking Him, you say. How much time per day do you spend diving into His Word? Pouring your heart out in prayer? Allow me to venture a guess that it's not as much time as you spend on Facebook or texting your friends. (And I'm guilty of that too.)

I've tried to let His love be enough, you say. Have you allowed Him to strip away everything else in your life that's distracting you from His overwhelming adoration? Have you sat silently at His feet, allowing Him to restore life to your aching heart?

I can't reach out and touch Him, you say. Can't you? He stated that whatever you do for the least of these around you, you do for Him. Haven't you ever seen Christ in the face of a child in Sunday school? Haven't you ever felt Him in the hug of a loving friend? Have you ever asked to see through the eyes of Jesus?

He loves everyone, you say. Yes. He loves you perfectly. Uniquely. He designed you just the way He wanted you, to accomplish a specific purpose on this earth. He is incredibly in love with you, with your heart, with your life. If you were the only one He would have saved, He still would have given His life for you. And He knows every single little thing you've ever said, done, or thought. He knows what goes on inside your mind in the middle of the night -- the things that no one else will ever know, nor would you want them too. He knows all that; and He still loves you.

If you truly want to be satisfied by this glorious God, sweet girl, you need to seek Him with your entire heart. The attention you crave must be forgotten. Any needs to be told you're beautiful in the world's eyes must be laid to rest at the foot of the cross. To have the deepest longings of your feminine heart satisfied, you must stop trying to satisfy them with anything else.

Let this world fade away. Allow Him to tear down your idols. And I promise -- when He becomes all you want, He becomes all you need.

You cannot seek God while this world fills your heart. Empty yourself; and then fill. Fill to overflowing. Pour out your life at Jesus' feet, and then be filled beyond all imagination with a love that will never leave you wanting more.

And then one day, you will experience a love story like no other. As you fall more in love with Jesus, you'll fall more in love with this man; and as you fall more in love with this man, you'll fall more in love with Jesus. He'll think you're gorgeous without any make-up, on a bad hair day, because it's the glowing, whole heart that is consumed with love for a beautiful Savior that attracts him. He'll love your eyes and your smile because they're yours, not because the world has decided that they meet some fickle, ever-changing criteria of beauty. His passion for Christ will inspire you to greater passion, and your passion will do the same for him.

And it all begins with coming to Jesus and making the decision to follow wholeheartedly. It means ceasing to live by the world's standards, forsaking all, and embracing a new meaning of beauty. It is a radical emptying of self, determining to live only for the applause of heaven.

You have the opportunity to be radiant. Will you let it slip through your fingers, continuing in a pattern of pain, heartbreak, and an ever-growing need for acknowledgment and affection? Or will you seize this opportunity, and become a shining example of God's pure power?

"Listen, O daughter, consider and give ear: Forget your people and your father's house. The King is enthralled by your beauty; honor Him, for He is your Lord." ~Psalm 45:10-11 (emphasis added)

I am praying for you.

In His Love,
Kendall

You're Beautiful

I sat down to write about how beautiful my God is. But my heart is too full for words. All I want to do is worship this amazing God. All I want to do is give Him every part of me. I can't even begin to describe all He's done for me. He quite literally turned my life around and took it in a direction I never would've imagined for myself. He's been so much more than enough. And even though I've just succeeded in writing a paragraph about how amazing He is, my words right now don't seem nearly enough for how much He's done for me.

So, I kinda want to know: What are some of your amazing God stories from the past year? How has He changed you? How has He saved you? What has He done for you, and what has He led you to do for Him? At this time of year, when we tend to take for granted that He came as a baby to live a perfect life and die for us, what is it that brings you to your knees in amazement?

And yeah, I really truly want to know. So leave a comment on this post, or on the Facebook link, or send me a message, because I want to be astounded by how He's working in your life. So then we can worship Him together.

I love each and every one of you, and I pray that you are learning to discover the glorious riches of the love of Jesus Christ.

Merry Christmas.

Overflow 101

Allow me to tell you a little something about overflow.

You have to be full before you can overflow.

In fact, you have to be full to, well, overflowing.

Makes sense, huh?

I know so many people -- including myself -- who want to be "a blessing." And I love that. I think it's wonderful. It's beautiful, and it's Christlike. But please hear this:

You cannot be a blessing if you are not full to overflowing with Jesus Christ.

So often, we try to give and give and give of our own strength. And very soon, we're exhausted. We have nothing left to give, and now we're neither a blessing, nor happy. We're just done.

But if we take all of that love that we try to give to other people, and give it to God instead -- He fills. And fills. And fills. And keeps filling, until we spill over continually.

That's when we become blessings. Our storehouses cannot be emptied, not in a thousand years. Our hearts cannot cease to spill over with the love of Christ, for His love never ends. For example, I do not sit in front of my computer and think, "What would be something inspiring to post as my status?" On the contrary, Jesus Christ astounds me and inspires me, and my natural response is to praise His greatness. I'm not inspirational. My Lord is.

Many people say, "You have to take care of yourself before you can take care of other people." And to a certain extent, I accept that. You have to be bubbling over with Jesus-love before you can give lasting, meaningful Jesus-love to other people. But once you're overflowing, then I say never look at yourself again. You can be so satisfied in Jesus Christ that you won't need to look at yourself.

But if all of a sudden you realize that you've taken your eyes off Jesus and have started trying to give from your own resources, take a step back and refocus your gaze. Don't try to give your own love; Jesus is the only one worthy of every ounce of all you have to offer.

Dear You

So, I've gotten several responses regarding the fact that I write my future husband letters. And I've had at least six people ask me how in the world you start. So, although this is not the "first letter" I've written to my husband, it is a "first letter" that somehow didn't make it into my happy notebook of wonder and love. This one is not going to my husband, so I thought I'd post it here for all of you to see an example. Obviously this is not the only way it can be done, so don't feel inclined to copy me!!

Dear You,

So, hi. I'm your wife. Nice to meet you.

I'm quite in love with you. Do you know that? Let me tell you a bit about what you are. You're head-over-heels in love with Jesus Christ. You care for other people more than you care for yourself. You're going to be a great daddy. You respect me. You like my family. My family likes you. You're my very bestest friend, next to Jesus. And I have a whole list of things you are down in a box in my room. I take it out every once in a while and remind myself that you are a person very worth waiting for.

So who are you? Do I know your name already? Are you on the other side of the world, or are you right across town? Have we walked the same halls, or have our feet never touched the same ground?

I don't know. But I will one day. I am so very excited for that day.

Now let me tell you a bit about who I am right now.

I'm seventeen years old. I'm crazy in love with Jesus Christ. You see, the thing is, I'm in love with you, but you're not the center of my life. As wonderful as you are, I know you'll mess up. I'm quite aware of that. So I have decided not to make you the foundation of my happiness. My eternal, perfect Prince is the one who determines my happiness. I hope that takes lots and lots of pressure off of you. And I hope it also leads you to find total fulfillment in Christ, so that you can take the pressure off of me -- believe me, I know I will mess up!

I've made a commitment to you, and to God. I've promised my Creator and the Author of our love story that this story will only exist if it will bring Him more glory -- if we can work for His Kingdom better hand-in-hand than on our own. And I've promised you that I'm waiting, no matter how long, no matter how hard, until Jesus gives you my entire heart. These promises have not always been easy to keep. But thanks to a God who makes all things new, He's taken my mistakes and made them into some of my most beautiful lessons. And through it all, He's held my heart.

And that's really what this letter is all about -- the God who's held my heart. He's the One who's brought us this far, and He's the only One who will be able to keep us together and continue to script a beautiful love story long after "I do." He's the only One who makes it possible for me to offer you the untainted gift of my heart, despite all my mistakes. He's the only One -- well, He's just the only One, isn't He?

So tonight, I pray that you're learning to surrender your heart completely to the God who loves you better than I do. I pray for your safety, I pray for your family, I pray for everything about you, that it would all be lost and swallowed up in the magnificent heart of Jesus Christ.

Waiting,
~Kendall